flwyd: (mail.app)
I've been using Twitter a lot more lately. Here are some clever things I've said that are worth repeating. I also set up a perl6 script to post a #quotefile quip every day.
  • A smile is a hammock for your face
  • I tried to order an extra large T-shirt from Rome. I received forty shirts.
  • Bitcoin is a commodity whose foundation is the artificial scarcity of numbers.
  • When @realDonaldTrump said he'd drain the swamp he didn't tell us that the effluent would flow into the Potomac and then into Chesapeake Bay (re: this story)
  • Chuck Berry transported listeners to a simpler world where we pursued our crushes, drove fast cars, and the week ended with a rockin' dance.
  • Imma let you finish @NCAA, but the March Hare and Mad Hatter are the best #MarchMadness team of all time. #DownTheBasketHole
  • The 2010s surge in white nationalism is in large part a reaction to a century of white internationalism.
  • Hypothesis: Trump thinks girls have cooties. (re: not shaking Angela Merkel's hand)
  • Odd that we live in a culture that stigmatizes seeing a psychologist but not seeing a pastor. They do similar work with different specialities.
  • If your house is too big of a landslide risk you can in theory get a new house. If you have a chronic disease you can't move to a new body. (re: America's model of health insurance)
  • Sets to the left of me, sets to the right / Here I am, stuck in the middle with ∪ / #MathHumor
  • alice@rabbithole> cd wonderland
    alice@rabbithole> ls
    alice@rabbithole >
  • When you gaze into the void, the social media ranking algorithm answers back.
  • The tyranny of Daylight Saving Time is not that you lose an hour of sleep or an hour of sun. It's that you let a clock decide when you act.
  • More people lived in Kentucky in 2010 than lived in the US in 1790. Constitutional suspicion of federal power should apply to state gov't too.
  • I'm more confused reading #Perl6 docs as an experienced programmer than Learning Perl as a novice: "Why'd you make the sausage that way?"
  • Don't defend the status quo. Describe a better system and work to make it happen. Legislators gonna legislate–ensure they enact your vision.
  • Regardless of the benefits of "like a business" governing, Trump's management style isn't fit for leading a country.
  • None of us are as strong as all of us are.
  • Best part so far of a two-week liquid+purée diet? Eating a bowl full of mayonnaise. #TastyRecovery (later that day, my stomach regretted that decision)
  • A good approach to cleaning up public discourse on the Internet: you must listen before you speak. (re: a Norwegian news website's new policy)
  • There are no high-paying jobs at family ethnic restaurants, but it's a crucial role played by immigrants. #JointAddress (re: proposed immigration policies that focus on high-paying tech jobs)
  • For every war we start, we must end two more.
  • The best way to stop drugs from coming into America is to grow marijuana in the U.S. #JointAddress
  • Key change in gay marriage support was folks knowing more gay people. Let's create opportunities for Americans to meet ordinary scientists.
  • Biologists are pro-birth, pro-life, and pro-death.
  • Framing: refugees and immigrants are freedom seekers. They're willing to give up even home and family ties to pursue American values.
  • Freedom isn't free. It's made possible by hard work and generous support from taxpayers like you.
  • Hapless Hank wanted to be the "go to programmer", but instead became the goto programmer.
  • Don't want to be subject to any government? 2000+ sqkm between Egypt and Sudan are claimed by neither.
  • Honk if you fly south for the winter.
  • “I'm not racist, I have black friends!” “This bill isn't homophobic, several closeted legislators voted for it!”
  • I don't declare war on xenophobia. I declare peace. May it rest there.
  • It's a travesty that America will have to navigate the era of alternate facts without George Carlin
  • You can't keep evil out of a country; it doesn't travel on a plane. Evil casts its spores through ideas, sown in a heart fertilized by hate.
  • Don't just make art. Be art.
  • Humans are my ingroup.
  • Obama sought dissenting opinions and input from experts. Trump surrounds himself with like-minded people and thinks he knows everything.
  • Hey @POTUS, while you're making it harder to hire foreign workers, please invest in US education system so there are good Americans to hire.
  • Halal food in NYC doesn't come in meal deals. It's Allah carte.
  • If I told you that you tested positive for antibodies, would you hold them against me?
  • Flotsam and jetsam are the mass noun equivalents of odds and ends.
  • Pancakes crêpe me out.
  • Just to keep things surreal @realDonaldTrump should nominate Hillary Clinton for Secretary of State. She's got experience and is unemployed.
  • Strange times when a populace, concerned about decades of job loss, votes in a president whose catchphrase was “You‘re fired”
  • Folks advocating for unfaithful electors in next month's electoral college have moved past shock, denial, and anger and are on to bargaining
  • Two generations ago, GOP was the party of education, business, & taking blacks for granted; Dems the party of labor & southern xenophobia.
  • 2020 campaign promise: free electoral college tuition for all Americans
  • To tap into the wisdom of the crowd, maybe pollsters should ask respondents who they think will win their state and the electoral college.
  • Next time can we choose the greater of two goods?
  • To pay a parking ticket, I have to click "Add to Basket" as if I went to the Municipal Justice Store and browsed around for a nice citation.
  • Maybe Republicans would get serious about #climatechange if we called it "Recapitalizing snow and ice banks."
  • "Wake of the Flood" was the tidal track of the Grateful Dead's 1973 album. #pun
  • Atlas Hugged, in which John Galt attends Burning Man.
  • What do you call a really cute cephalopod? Squeed!
  • I know I'm not going to eat half the food I bring to @burningman. I just wish I knew which half.
  • I'm into second-order psychedelics. I don't take drugs myself, but I thoroughly enjoy consuming the output of those who do.
  • When God closes a door He goes to the window, opens it, sticks His head out & yells “I’m as mad as hell and I’m not going to take this anymore!”
  • Thank you Mario, but the princess is the protagonist in her own feature film!
  • Mallard abduckted. Fowl play suspected. #terrible #pun

Foolish Twits

Friday, April 1st, 2016 11:55 pm
flwyd: (Shakespeare bust oval)
I just realized that I'd posted a bunch of great one-liners to my Twitter feed but hadn't added to my signature quote file. I'd forgotten a bunch of these jokes, so I'm glad to see Twitter is solving the role of my mom's "Write it down!" pleas from my youth.

You can play a really believable game of "The Floor is Lava" in Hawaii.
Ask me what's the hardest part of investing. What's the har... Timing!
You gotta fight / for your right / To ferrrrrrment - The Yeasty Boys
The incoming call said "unknown number," but I don't know how that could be: I've memorized all the digits from 0 to 9.
Ornithography: The study of V shapes in the sky.
I got a toy alien with some assembly required. When I put it together it said "We come in pieces."
What do you call a troubadour who can play the lute without hands? No holds bard.
The little self-esteem engine that could.
Who makes the best Indian tacos? A Sioux chef.
It's a bold! It's a serif! It's digbatman!
Mallard abduckted. Fowl play suspected.
So tell me... are you a coelaCAN or a coelaCANTH?
Castling is the chess equivalent of the quarterback scramble.
Nipples are a child's first user interface.
I really hope somoene has a writing program for inmates called "Prose and Cons."
A cat holding a sign that says "9 Lives Matter"
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / / His IP is my IP too
My imaginary friend lives at
In the land of the blinds the Venetian is king.
The process of opening and setting up a new Apple product is delightful and elegant until you get to the Software License Agreement.
After the State of the Union comes the Principality of the Dominion.
A bear managing mutual funds would probably overinvest in agricultural commodities for fall delivery.
Someone should make bumper stickers for New York that say "Maybe honking will help."
My cat loves when it's wet outside and dry inside. When it rains, it purrs.
They should have a Tour de Portland where at each stage the couriers pick up a different bulky package for delivery on the next stage.
Cat food flavors: beef, chicken, salmon. Why not mouse, sparrow, or goldfish? That's what they really want to eat.
Cats are both soft and sharp, yin and yang.
I'm noodling around on a jazz piece by Sun Ramen.
All my exes blocked my textes.
If you think stereotypes are bad, wait until you hear how inaccurate my monotypes are.
Some say if you're not paying then you are the product. Yet also: if you get paid for your work then you are the product.
Function, method, procedure, routine. Why don't any programming languages have maneuvers?
Thank you bishop, but the king already castled!
Thank you Mario, but the princess is the protagonist in her own feature film!
Professors gonna profess.


Tuesday, March 17th, 2015 11:44 pm
flwyd: (I *kiss* linguists)
If you ask a PhD student what she'll do tomorrow, she might say "just dissert."
Originally posted by [livejournal.com profile] prettygoodword at dissert
dissert (dih-SURT) - v., to discourse at length on a subject.

What a dissertation does. Adopted around 1620 from Latin dissertāre to set forth at length, the frequentive form of disserere, to arrange in order, from dis-, apart + serere, to join (the root of series).


Reader's Proof

Wednesday, March 4th, 2015 11:36 pm
flwyd: (darwin change over time)
Long before web comics were "a thing," my mom would often respond to my puns with a groan (she was a groan up, after all) by telling me to write it down and start a comic in the vein of The Far Side. My graphic arts skills are very limited, but if they weren't, I might have produced something like Prooffreader's Whimsy. The first few comics particularly seem like my style of word play.

The artist, David Taylor, also has an interesting blog with an apparent focus on data visualization.

Berber of Seville

Wednesday, March 4th, 2015 10:24 pm
flwyd: (fun characters)
The Berber of "Seville" is "ⵙⴻⵠⵉⵍ". Or, if you don't have a Tifinagh font,

It turns out I'm not the first person to think up the phrase Berber of Seville. Bombay Dub Orchestra has a groovy track of that name name.

Apologies to any Berber speakers if I've completely butchered my Neo-Tifinagh letter choices.
If you liked this pun, you might also enjoy The SHA of 'Iran'.
flwyd: (Trevor Stone Character)
A discussion on our bad-puns mailing list got a little Wilde when I posted this:
A Picture of Durian Gray

Some clever tweets that entered my mind:
Are slanted fonts called "Italic" because of the tower in Pisa?
Haskell: a highly functional language for high functioning autists.
Function, method, procedure, routine. Why don't any programming languages have maneuvers?
Some say if you're not paying then you are the product.
Yet also: if you get paid for your work then you are the product.
If you think stereotypes are bad, wait until you hear how inaccurate my monotypes are.
Content-Type: multipart/sandwich
"Why are you such a retard?" "Must be all the asbestos exposure."
Driving across Colorado I got to the Park County seat and had to go home to get something. Like they say: Turnabout in Fairplay.
I wear strange outfits to cover my heterogenous zone.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote prose and Khans.
I don't know where Einstein is buried, but I know how fast he's going.
DITKA: Double Income, Two Kids, Alpacas
Catholic services are boring because they're all mass and no energy.

And then there's Freddie Mercury Retrograde…

If you'd like the daily blather of my LiveJournal from over ten years ago, consider encircling me on Google+. I've even got a catchy URL: google.com/+TrevorStone. Fair warning: it can mostly be summed up by "Here's this cool thing someone did on the Internet" punctuated by "Here's this bad idea someone's highlighting on the Internet." It's not a format that's well suited to posts like the shower meme.
flwyd: (Trevor glowing grad macky auditorium)
Some phrases I came up with tonight in pirate garb:
TEDx marks the spot
What kind of pirate drinks absinthe? An arrrrtist.
Did you hear about the pirate investment? It's doubloon value every year!
This place is more popular than a dyke bar on ladies night.
flwyd: (bad decision dinosaur)
You've probably heard about what vegan zombies say: graaaaains. But wait, there's more!

What do zombie flight attendants say? Plaaaaanes
What do zombie bowlers say? Laaaaanes
What do zombie plumbers say? Draaaaains
What do zombie hydraulic engineers say? Water maaaains
What do zombie vikings say? Daaaaanes
What does zombie Mitt Romney say? Baaaain
What does the zombie Secretary of Agriculture say? Plaaaains
What do zombie phlebotomists say? Veeeeeins
What do zombie acupuncturists say? Paaaains
What do zombie underwear models say? Haaaanes
What do zombie actors say? Feeeeeigns
What do zombie Floridians say? Hurricaaaaanes
What do zombie physical therapists say? Spraaaains
What do zombie erotica readers say? Zaaaaane
What do zombie hobos say? Traaaains
What do zombie cowboys say? John Waaaaayne
What do zombie psychologists say? Insaaaaane
What do zombie sugar farmers say? Caaaanes
What do zombie film critics say? Kaaaaane
What do zombie woodworkers say? Plaaaaanes
What do zombie horseback riders say? Reeeeeigns
What do zombie gardeners say? Purslaaaane
What do zombie innertubers say? St. Vraaaain
What do zombie dry cleaners say? Staaaaaains
What do zombie meteorologists say? Raaaains
What else do zombie meteorologists say? Weather vaaaaanes
What do Indian vegan zombies say? Jaaaaains
What do zombie lion tamers say? Maaaanes
What do zombie civil engineers say? Craaaanes
What do zombie New Orleanians say? Tulaaaaane
What do zombie travel agents say? Spaaaaaain
What do zombie capitalists say? Gaaaaains

Inspired by the Zombie Disco Happy Thursday cruiser ride tonight. It feels good to be back cruising the streets of Boulder after a month split between driving and playa biking.
flwyd: (charbonneau ghost car)
I bought a car made in Eastern Europe. The Czech Engine light is on all the time.

(best said in a Steven Wright monotone)
flwyd: (xkcd don quixote)
If you're an AIM user, you may have recently had a chat bot try to start a conversation in pink or purple with you. The bot is pretending to be a young female that wants to strip over webcam, but it's really a credit card stealing scheme. A while ago, a sure way to identify this bot was to use the word "bot" in a message and they'd respond "lol im not a bot," but it seems like version 2 is a little more coy. Slightly inspired by this conversation, here's some amusement I had while programming last night.
34-line chat; warning: purple text ahead! )

Kid's Meal

Tuesday, November 16th, 2010 09:35 pm
flwyd: (black titan)
Cronos was just getting in touch with his inner child.

The Passion

Sunday, November 7th, 2010 09:30 pm
flwyd: (Taoist goddess Doumu)
Following up on the success of "The Passion of the Christ," Mel Gibson announced a new film, "The Compassion of the Buddha" followed by a sequel, "The Dispassion of the Lao Zi."

(Aside: there are lots of figures famous for passion and compassion, but very few individuals are famous for the degree of their dispassion. Politicians are famous, judges generally are not. And judges in religious contexts are generally not especially dispassionate.)

Puns from my Notebook

Saturday, July 10th, 2010 05:03 pm
flwyd: (I *kiss* linguists)
Incognito Ergo Sum: I'm under cover, therefore I am.

Dildo of Damocles: This needs to be the name of something. Band? Song? Wifi Network? Suggestions welcome in the comments.
flwyd: (Trevor glowing grad macky auditorium)
For Halloween I should wear a flat-brimmed black hat, two strands of hair, and a tie-dye shirt. I'd go as an Acidic Jew.
flwyd: (farts sign - Norway)
Terms: x, y, z

Conditions: x < y, x + y != z, (x % y == 0 && x % z == 1)

Open Source Salsa

Friday, March 13th, 2009 09:38 am
flwyd: (daemon tux hexley)
Someone should create a line of salsas with open-source recipes. The brand would be "GNU Mexican."
flwyd: (I *kiss* linguists)
Every year, NORAD tracks Santa Claus's progress across the United States on Christmas Eve. But in a world of new media, this centralized arms-length reporting is passé. So this year, Claus Industries, Ltd. is trying something new: Santa Embedded Clause. Reporters can embed themselves on Santa's sleigh to deliver a first-hand account of sliding down chimneys and leaving nouns under the syntax tree.
flwyd: (Vigelandsparken heels over head)
Playing The Field Fly Rule can come into effect when someone's got one prospect who's made it to first base, one to second base, and optionally one to third base. If a new prospect wants to get to first base, but lets his balls fly and the judge deems them catchable, he shall declare the current prospect out of consideration; no other prospects may advance to a further base.
flwyd: (spiral stone)
Support stem cell research: it's a culture of life.

That's been sitting in a browser tab for a week or two because I'm not sure if "culture" only applies to bacteria or if the term is applicable to a wide variety of microbiologic techniques. But I suppose it's close enough for a pun.
flwyd: (escher drawing hands)
Even the one-dimensional can be well-rounded if they twist into a möbius strip.

Something about not getting enough sleep due to high winds last night made me want to blog today. I even got two (boring) visits from random Coho bots. I wish I had better access to my config file, even if it was read only.

Bad Physics Jokes

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008 11:51 am
flwyd: (mathnet - to cogitate and to solve)
coworker: what time zone is our Jira server in?
me: EST
coworker: as long as I know that Lawrin is not submitting bugs in the future
me: She is, but you can fix them in the future too!
me: And while you're in the future, bring back some fresh maple syrup
coworker: I'm afraid I don't get that one
me: The server's in the future in Maine, so while you're fixing bugs in the future in Maine, you can get some New England maple syrup
coworker: oh...I thought it was a time joke
me: it's a space-time joke
coworker: what could be funnier!
me: a joke tying gangsters to the universal gravitation constant?
coworker: let me know when you come up with it
coworker: so far all you've got is a chuckle, but I'll withhold judgement
me: Notorious = B/I * G * Eminem / R^2 Kelley, the strangely attractive nerdcore compilation!

Big Penguin

Wednesday, December 10th, 2008 11:14 pm
flwyd: (requiem for a dream eye)
Left Behind is the magnum opiate of the people.

Navel Gazetteer

Tuesday, September 9th, 2008 04:20 pm
flwyd: (spiral stone)
Navel Gazetteer, noun: a list of places your mind can visit while pontificating.

Supportive Puns

Sunday, August 17th, 2008 09:16 pm
flwyd: (fun characters)
Two puns from the night before Dragonfest:

Boobuntu, the Linux distribution for people who need support.

Wow, a terrabyte! You could take a big chunk out of the Earth! Om nom nom nom...


Thursday, June 26th, 2008 10:05 pm
flwyd: (bad decision dinosaur)
License: Creative Commons BY-NC-SA
Kim chee photo by rockdoggydog http://flickr.com/photos/rockdoggydog/455046265/
Caption by Trevor Stone http://trevorstone.org/lol/kimcheeomnomnomnom.jpg
Text is Hangul (Korean) for "om nom nom nom"

Interesting Hugs

Saturday, June 14th, 2008 02:19 am
flwyd: (I *kiss* linguists)
Trevor: I was thinking about getting some magical yarn to make a see-in-the-dark "Free Hugs" sweatshirt
Molly: I wouldn't give away free hugs.
Molly: I would give hugs with HIGH INTEREST RATES! ;D
Trevor: You usurious hugger you.
Trevor: Usurious major gives bear hugs with high interest
flwyd: (mathnet - to cogitate and to solve)
Q: Alice, how are things with Bob?
A: We have a solid platonic relationship. We role play every week.

Not Of

Tuesday, April 29th, 2008 05:44 pm
flwyd: (Trevor Stone Character)
Buddha is 不的.
flwyd: (dogcow moof!)
After he was neutered, the dog's aggression level was infinitesticle.

Cheesy Pun

Thursday, January 24th, 2008 02:09 pm
flwyd: (spam lite)
One could write a sketch set in a café playing on the French stereotypes of existentialism, snooty waiters, and food preferences. It would be called "Waiting for Gouda."
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