From the Mind of Trevor Stone

When you die, they should offer an option to donate your body to science, except the science isn't biology: it's physics. They'll shoot your corpse out of a canon in an auditorium full of freshmen.

I just realized that I'd posted a bunch of great one-liners to my Twitter feed but hadn't added to my signature quote file. I'd forgotten a bunch of these jokes, so I'm glad to see Twitter is solving the role of my mom's "Write it down!" pleas from my youth.

You can play a really believable game of "The Floor is Lava" in Hawaii.
Ask me what's the hardest part of investing. What's the har... Timing!
You gotta fight / for your right / To ferrrrrrment - The Yeasty Boys
The incoming call said "unknown number," but I don't know how that could be: I've memorized all the digits from 0 to 9.
Ornithography: The study of V shapes in the sky.
I got a toy alien with some assembly required. When I put it together it said "We come in pieces."
What do you call a troubadour who can play the lute without hands? No holds bard.
The little self-esteem engine that could.
Who makes the best Indian tacos? A Sioux chef.
It's a bold! It's a serif! It's digbatman!
Mallard abduckted. Fowl play suspected.
So tell me... are you a coelaCAN or a coelaCANTH?
Castling is the chess equivalent of the quarterback scramble.
Nipples are a child's first user interface.
I really hope somoene has a writing program for inmates called "Prose and Cons."
A cat holding a sign that says "9 Lives Matter"
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / 192.168.1.2 / His IP is my IP too
My imaginary friend lives at 127.0.0.2
In the land of the blinds the Venetian is king.
The process of opening and setting up a new Apple product is delightful and elegant until you get to the Software License Agreement.
After the State of the Union comes the Principality of the Dominion.
A bear managing mutual funds would probably overinvest in agricultural commodities for fall delivery.
Someone should make bumper stickers for New York that say "Maybe honking will help."
My cat loves when it's wet outside and dry inside. When it rains, it purrs.
They should have a Tour de Portland where at each stage the couriers pick up a different bulky package for delivery on the next stage.
Cat food flavors: beef, chicken, salmon. Why not mouse, sparrow, or goldfish? That's what they really want to eat.
Cats are both soft and sharp, yin and yang.
I'm noodling around on a jazz piece by Sun Ramen.
All my exes blocked my textes.
If you think stereotypes are bad, wait until you hear how inaccurate my monotypes are.
Some say if you're not paying then you are the product. Yet also: if you get paid for your work then you are the product.
Function, method, procedure, routine. Why don't any programming languages have maneuvers?
Thank you bishop, but the king already castled!
Thank you Mario, but the princess is the protagonist in her own feature film!
Professors gonna profess.

I wonder what would happen if America started calling "erectile dysfunction" the "fickle pickle syndrome."


Yeah, it's been a long day.

Tam just came up with "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to prepare for the apocalypse" to fit nicely with the standard fortune set:

• "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned."
• "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about."

Also, if I didn't already have way too many T-shirts, I'd get me one of these.

I didn't read nearly as much by Molly Ivins as I should have. Unfortunately, the final two years of Shrub must be without the sharpest barb.

I saw Molly at the Conference on World Affairs a few years ago, around the time the Supreme Court was hearing the Texas anti-sodomy law. In her typical sharp fashion, she quipped Immediately after that bill passed, one sponsor slapped another on the back and was immediately in violation of the law. Because in Texas, you can't have a prick touching an asshole.

Her straightforward no-nonsense attitude exemplified what's best about the Texas character while her undying cleverness is found among too few other residents of Texas and political commentators. We'll have to raise more hell without her.

A magnetic travel jenga game.