Foolish Twits

Friday, April 1st, 2016 11:55 pm
flwyd: (Shakespeare bust oval)
I just realized that I'd posted a bunch of great one-liners to my Twitter feed but hadn't added to my signature quote file. I'd forgotten a bunch of these jokes, so I'm glad to see Twitter is solving the role of my mom's "Write it down!" pleas from my youth.

You can play a really believable game of "The Floor is Lava" in Hawaii.
Ask me what's the hardest part of investing. What's the har... Timing!
You gotta fight / for your right / To ferrrrrrment - The Yeasty Boys
The incoming call said "unknown number," but I don't know how that could be: I've memorized all the digits from 0 to 9.
Ornithography: The study of V shapes in the sky.
I got a toy alien with some assembly required. When I put it together it said "We come in pieces."
What do you call a troubadour who can play the lute without hands? No holds bard.
The little self-esteem engine that could.
Who makes the best Indian tacos? A Sioux chef.
It's a bold! It's a serif! It's digbatman!
Mallard abduckted. Fowl play suspected.
So tell me... are you a coelaCAN or a coelaCANTH?
Castling is the chess equivalent of the quarterback scramble.
Nipples are a child's first user interface.
I really hope somoene has a writing program for inmates called "Prose and Cons."
A cat holding a sign that says "9 Lives Matter"
John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt / / His IP is my IP too
My imaginary friend lives at
In the land of the blinds the Venetian is king.
The process of opening and setting up a new Apple product is delightful and elegant until you get to the Software License Agreement.
After the State of the Union comes the Principality of the Dominion.
A bear managing mutual funds would probably overinvest in agricultural commodities for fall delivery.
Someone should make bumper stickers for New York that say "Maybe honking will help."
My cat loves when it's wet outside and dry inside. When it rains, it purrs.
They should have a Tour de Portland where at each stage the couriers pick up a different bulky package for delivery on the next stage.
Cat food flavors: beef, chicken, salmon. Why not mouse, sparrow, or goldfish? That's what they really want to eat.
Cats are both soft and sharp, yin and yang.
I'm noodling around on a jazz piece by Sun Ramen.
All my exes blocked my textes.
If you think stereotypes are bad, wait until you hear how inaccurate my monotypes are.
Some say if you're not paying then you are the product. Yet also: if you get paid for your work then you are the product.
Function, method, procedure, routine. Why don't any programming languages have maneuvers?
Thank you bishop, but the king already castled!
Thank you Mario, but the princess is the protagonist in her own feature film!
Professors gonna profess.
flwyd: (Trevor Stone Character)
A discussion on our bad-puns mailing list got a little Wilde when I posted this:
A Picture of Durian Gray

Some clever tweets that entered my mind:
Are slanted fonts called "Italic" because of the tower in Pisa?
Haskell: a highly functional language for high functioning autists.
Function, method, procedure, routine. Why don't any programming languages have maneuvers?
Some say if you're not paying then you are the product.
Yet also: if you get paid for your work then you are the product.
If you think stereotypes are bad, wait until you hear how inaccurate my monotypes are.
Content-Type: multipart/sandwich
"Why are you such a retard?" "Must be all the asbestos exposure."
Driving across Colorado I got to the Park County seat and had to go home to get something. Like they say: Turnabout in Fairplay.
I wear strange outfits to cover my heterogenous zone.
Samuel Taylor Coleridge wrote prose and Khans.
I don't know where Einstein is buried, but I know how fast he's going.
DITKA: Double Income, Two Kids, Alpacas
Catholic services are boring because they're all mass and no energy.

And then there's Freddie Mercury Retrograde…

If you'd like the daily blather of my LiveJournal from over ten years ago, consider encircling me on Google+. I've even got a catchy URL: Fair warning: it can mostly be summed up by "Here's this cool thing someone did on the Internet" punctuated by "Here's this bad idea someone's highlighting on the Internet." It's not a format that's well suited to posts like the shower meme.
flwyd: (spam lite)
I wonder what would happen if America started calling "erectile dysfunction" the "fickle pickle syndrome."

Yeah, it's been a long day.

Jew Trips

Sunday, April 27th, 2008 10:26 pm
flwyd: (Akershus Castle cobblestones)
I just pictured someone like Woody Allen saying "I went to summer school at synagogue. We didn't go on any field trips, just guilt trips."


Saturday, July 21st, 2007 01:12 am
flwyd: (tell tale heart)
Tam just came up with "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to prepare for the apocalypse" to fit nicely with the standard fortune set:
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I did my own thing and now I've got to undo it."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to floss my cat."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I have to stay home and see if I snore."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I never go out on days that end in `Y.'"
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I want to spend more time with my blender."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm attending the opening of my garage door."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm converting my calendar watch from Julian to Gregorian."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm doing door-to-door collecting for static cling."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm having all my plants neutered."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm staying home to work on my cottage cheese sculpture."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I'm taking punk totem pole carving."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but I've been scheduled for a karma transplant."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but it's my parakeet's bowling night."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite commercial is on TV."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but the last time I went out, I never came back."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but the man on television told me to stay tuned."
  • "I'd love to go out with you, but there are important world issues that need worrying about."

Also, if I didn't already have way too many T-shirts, I'd get me one of these.

flwyd: (1895 USA map)
When I posted last week, I forgot the second half of the joke. The full exchange goes

Hello, I'd like to make a reservation. The name is Jackson. Andrew Jackson.
I'm sorry sir, we don't accept reservations.
Well that's all you'll get.

The road trip was fabulous. I managed to avoid a coyote on the way out and fires on the way back. I soaked in a river, two hot tubs, and hot springs in Nevada and Utah. I walked through Redwood forests, along sandy, rocky, and glass beaches, up and down slickrock, and 10+ miles from the Marin Headlands to Fisherman's Wharf. I ate copious grasses, flowers, fruits, and pseudofruits native and foreign to California, tasty dishes from the kitchens of people related to [ profile] mollybzz, fantastic potluck dishes, and wonderful beverages ranging from Dr Pepper (for night-driving enhancement) to "four day old" green tea to California wines to mangosteen juice to homebrew beer and cider. I even ate at Woey Loy Goey, the same Chinatown restaurant my dad's still telling stories about from a trip in the early '70s. (The location has changed and the sign has "new" before the name, but the food is still good.) I played Apples to Apples, Scrabble, Boggle, and 20 Questions, all with formidable opponents (I've never been skunked in A2A before and I've yet to beat [ profile] mollybzz in a game involving letters.) The only rain in two weeks came in Nevada and I managed to get sunburned in a city famous for fog. In sum, 3500 miles of great fun.

Incidentally, if I ever move to San Francisco I may have to cut my hair and take many of my hats out of daily use. Fortunately, Silicon Valley doesn't seem to have the same blustery tendencies

RIP Molly Ivins

Wednesday, January 31st, 2007 09:59 pm
flwyd: (rose silhouette)
I didn't read nearly as much by Molly Ivins as I should have. Unfortunately, the final two years of Shrub must be without the sharpest barb.

I saw Molly at the Conference on World Affairs a few years ago, around the time the Supreme Court was hearing the Texas anti-sodomy law. In her typical sharp fashion, she quipped Immediately after that bill passed, one sponsor slapped another on the back and was immediately in violation of the law. Because in Texas, you can't have a prick touching an asshole.

Her straightforward no-nonsense attitude exemplified what's best about the Texas character while her undying cleverness is found among too few other residents of Texas and political commentators. We'll have to raise more hell without her.
flwyd: (farts sign - Norway)
Hooker in Phoenix worked for me!

Challenging Products

Wednesday, January 17th, 2007 10:41 am
flwyd: (what would escher do)
A magnetic travel jenga game.
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