Where am I going? Where have I been?
Tuesday, April 2nd, 2002 01:47 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flwydIf I weren't a compulsive learner and an academic junkie, I would be graduating college in 40 days. I would have been searching for jobs, doing interviews, making big decisions. As it is, I'm staying within the comforting womb of school for another year with a master's degree to show for it. I was born 16 days late, and one year out of 18 (not counting preschool) is about the same percentage of extra gestation.
I'm almost always on time for commitments, but I'm usually late in developments. I got my driver's license less than three months before turning 22. I had a fear of talking on the phone until I was 21. I went on my first date less than three months before turning 18, and lost my virginity at age 21. I didn't own a tie until last year. Until a year and a half ago, I had only once been more than 100 miles from my birthplace without one of my parents being there (and they essentially dropped me off on that occasion.) Lots of people reach these milieu around age 16, so in a sense I'm five years behind. (I think it's just a coincidence that my brother, five yeras younger than I, also has not had a date, learned to drive, or bought a tie.) To be fair, I read at an early age, took my first college classes half way through high school, participated in a political demonstration in 5th grade, built a homepage in 1994, and had a pretty full beard by age 19.
So what we find is that I'm a geek have stunted social growth. Where's my parade?
The point? Many of the decisions that brought me where I am today were made a long time ago. Given my parents, it was essentially a given at birth that I'd go to college. The snowball that brought me to a major in computer science was started in 3rd grade when I learned to use a word processor because my penmenship sucked. (What would I be doing now if I could write cursive well? Probably trying to tripple major in philosophy, psychology, and English or something. Thank goodness for poor fine-point manipulation.) My attendance at CU was fairly determined financially, and my utter lack of practical ambition during my senior year of high school clinhced it. I think I decided to pursue the concurrent BS/MS degree before I even started my freshman year. If I had to decide that now, I'm not positive I'd go for it. (Well, I'd be more hesitant, anyway.)
It would be fair to say that the next step is already decided as well. "Get a CS degree and get a job programming" has been on the horizon for several years, and I have no reason to second guess that decision. But in a very real sense, the next step is wide open. True, I am pondering teaching for a couple years, but that decision would only delay the existential moment, since I'd follow that with a programming job anyway.
As usual, the existential feeling that can be told is not the eternal existential feeling. It isn't angst (fear without an object; imprecise worry). As usual, I don't worry about much, fear nothing, and have enough of an idea to deal with anything that might come up. It's multifaceted. The first part is forward-looking -- CS sure, but where? What, specifically? And what else?
The answer to that part should come forth next year. I've thought for some time that when I graduate I need to take The Great American Journey. My astounding lack of experience with places outside Boulder means I'm unprepared to accept, in any meaningful way, a job; that is to say, a place of life for the next several years. I think at least two months are needed. Two months in a van with a hammock, a cooler, a laptop and digital camera, myself, and the expanse of North America. A journey of reflectful solitude punctuated by novel social environments and job interviews. If I'm to make much of a forray into Canada or Mexico, I should probably make that three months. The most important decision of the next five years is where I'm going to live. Can I tolerate a place where it snows and then stays cloudy? How about where it gets more than 16 inches of rain a year? Could I stand a suburb? Beyond that choice, things are important, but not so much. I'd love to work in AI; my dream job would be writing in scheme, but that's not of critical importance. Mostly I want to be a code warrior for five or ten years, reaching expert level. Build up some financial reserves so that I can either make it as a freelance shareware author/philosopher or head back to school in (probably) cognitive science. But that's a long way off, and I'm not especially committed to anything.
A key to the second piece of my existential moment can be found in one word in the above paragraph. As a hint, it's not "scheme." Rather, it's solitude. When I first hatched the desire for the Great American Journey In A Van (this was probably around freshman/sophomore year), it was to be a journey by two. See, when They tell you all about growing up, you absorb that you'll find your life partner, or at least your first spouse, in college. Sure, I figured. 25,000 people. A significant portion of them are probably smart, sexy, and cool. Lots of interaction with different people, abundant chances for connection. I've had a (physical) crush pretty much every semester. So what's the problem? First, I'm not the sort of person who'll establish a relationship based on looks. In order for someone to become more than a fantasy catalyst I need to know what she thinks. What are her interests? What does she find funny? So, says the practiced pro, ask her out and learn these things. Problem. The first couple years I was still socially inept. I wanted to try this out, but could not for the life of me figure out how. I didn't have the guts to say "Hi. I've chosen my seat in class for the last several weeks so that I could get several inconspicuous glances. I know I'm kinda weird looking, but I'm interesting to talk to. Would you like to go out somewhere and chat?" Partly it was geekly inhibition. Partly it was the fact that the only things I did outside of class and my room were interest-based (you don't go to philosophy club if you aren't into philosophy, it's no fun to visit a game store if you don't play games). Fast forward a bit. As an RA I've learned how to talk to strangers, use the phone, hang out, all that fun stuff. So what's my excuse now? I'd like to be a responsible boyfriend, and that entails devoting time and energy to the girl in question. But I'm working on a large software project, taking graduate school classes, working as an RA, and trying to get enough sleep not to do anything stupid. And I don't have it in me to put someone above schoolwork -- I don't even think I have it in me to put personal health and hygene above schoolwork. If I were dating me this year, I'd feel neglected, and that's not a way to start a good relationship. I have gotten to know some pretty cute girls fairly well this year (one of whom I'd had "it'd be great if we ended up in the same class and talked a lot and went out" fantasies about during they previous year and, hey presto, there we are in class talking). However, upon reflection, I decided that, though we get along great as friends, we'd be a bad couple. I'm a tough person to date -- I have some strange practices, a weird sense of humor, odd views, and am incapable of letting a debatable point slide. Part of dating me is getting into deep philosophy, and I've gotten the "that's horrible, how could you think that?" look from girls a lot.
Do I ramble? I contain recursion. The point is that another face of my existential upwelling in the last few days has been a desire for intimacy. I can fully appreciate the biological and evolutionary sources and basis of the emotion I'm feeling, but that doesn't make my arms any less empty as I try to fall asleep. I wish I had someone I could wrap myself around, muse with, kiss, make puns, exchange backrubs. All of that cute soft-eyed stuff. But such a one is not here now, nor has she been present for most of my life. And the prospects next year aren't exactly rosy -- dating and graduate school aren't frequently conjoined. Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of solitude, and I get along with myself better than many do. But as much as I like being awake, I also like sleeping, which is convenient, since I'm biologically wired to desire sleep. Ditto intimacy.
If part the first is future-looking, part the second is focused on the present situation, part the third looks back, critically. I've gotten good grades, but what else substantive have I done? I haven't ever had a lot of close friends, and I keep in touch with even fewer. For all my talk and thought about making the world a better place, I haven't made a big impact on much of anything. I'm disappointed with several aspects of my performance as an RA, such as making close friendships and inspiring and provoking thought and action. I have brought a lot of smiles with odd dress and unique antics, but that's something I almost don't put effort into. I'm satisfied with life as a Taoist tare-panda most of the time, but there's lots of stuff I haven't done well or at all. I think the key is getting closer to people. I'm capable of all sorts of wild and deep conversations, but I don't have them very often outside the confines of Philosophy Club. I think this is because I'm lousy at starting conversations. My internal monologue jumps from inside joke to domain specific pondering to long-running intellectual progression, none of which are particularly inviting to the novice user of Trevor's mind. Further, I don't really know what to ask or say to draw out key features about other people. I've made it to small talk, but I can't get the big ball rolling. (Of course, time constraints are also present. When I've got Too Much Work, I feel irresponsible chatting for more than a minute or two.) Maybe I don't go to enough parties. (I could enumerate my college party experience without removing my shoes.) But I also wonder why few people start these conversations with me. I feel bad that I haven't reached out more to my residents, but why haven't most of them reached out to me? Why don't I get invited to parties, why don't people ask me deep questions? If you have insight here, please share it. If you'd like to partake in a conversation of depth, start it right up. Give a holler by email, chitter at me on IRC. I'm even trying to be on AIM regularly. (Username Flwyd, big surprise.) Did that sound like a pathetic call for attention? It wasn't; just an invitation, if one was needed.
Time continues. Later today (it's 1:40? ugh) I register for classes at CU for the next to last time. This evening I interview to be a Hall Director Assistant. The outcome of that determines what kind of summer job I can look for and what I'll do with my free time next year. University deadlines happen regardless of existential moments.
Perhaps, at a very fundamental level that spring break tends to bring out, I really just want to lie around in the sun all day. I put lots of effort into being lazy, and this may be a plodding use of an hour and a half of not sleeping to come to a conclusion I knew all along. If you've read this far, I hope you've been able to glean some insight into your own existential moments, or at least into who I am. If you'd like me to stop by your neck of the woods (or want to tell me about some other shoulder of the woods that I really oughtn't miss, preferably with lots of sun and good computer jobs) on The Great American Journey, give me a buzz.
Be seeing you.
I'm almost always on time for commitments, but I'm usually late in developments. I got my driver's license less than three months before turning 22. I had a fear of talking on the phone until I was 21. I went on my first date less than three months before turning 18, and lost my virginity at age 21. I didn't own a tie until last year. Until a year and a half ago, I had only once been more than 100 miles from my birthplace without one of my parents being there (and they essentially dropped me off on that occasion.) Lots of people reach these milieu around age 16, so in a sense I'm five years behind. (I think it's just a coincidence that my brother, five yeras younger than I, also has not had a date, learned to drive, or bought a tie.) To be fair, I read at an early age, took my first college classes half way through high school, participated in a political demonstration in 5th grade, built a homepage in 1994, and had a pretty full beard by age 19.
So what we find is that I'm a geek have stunted social growth. Where's my parade?
The point? Many of the decisions that brought me where I am today were made a long time ago. Given my parents, it was essentially a given at birth that I'd go to college. The snowball that brought me to a major in computer science was started in 3rd grade when I learned to use a word processor because my penmenship sucked. (What would I be doing now if I could write cursive well? Probably trying to tripple major in philosophy, psychology, and English or something. Thank goodness for poor fine-point manipulation.) My attendance at CU was fairly determined financially, and my utter lack of practical ambition during my senior year of high school clinhced it. I think I decided to pursue the concurrent BS/MS degree before I even started my freshman year. If I had to decide that now, I'm not positive I'd go for it. (Well, I'd be more hesitant, anyway.)
It would be fair to say that the next step is already decided as well. "Get a CS degree and get a job programming" has been on the horizon for several years, and I have no reason to second guess that decision. But in a very real sense, the next step is wide open. True, I am pondering teaching for a couple years, but that decision would only delay the existential moment, since I'd follow that with a programming job anyway.
As usual, the existential feeling that can be told is not the eternal existential feeling. It isn't angst (fear without an object; imprecise worry). As usual, I don't worry about much, fear nothing, and have enough of an idea to deal with anything that might come up. It's multifaceted. The first part is forward-looking -- CS sure, but where? What, specifically? And what else?
The answer to that part should come forth next year. I've thought for some time that when I graduate I need to take The Great American Journey. My astounding lack of experience with places outside Boulder means I'm unprepared to accept, in any meaningful way, a job; that is to say, a place of life for the next several years. I think at least two months are needed. Two months in a van with a hammock, a cooler, a laptop and digital camera, myself, and the expanse of North America. A journey of reflectful solitude punctuated by novel social environments and job interviews. If I'm to make much of a forray into Canada or Mexico, I should probably make that three months. The most important decision of the next five years is where I'm going to live. Can I tolerate a place where it snows and then stays cloudy? How about where it gets more than 16 inches of rain a year? Could I stand a suburb? Beyond that choice, things are important, but not so much. I'd love to work in AI; my dream job would be writing in scheme, but that's not of critical importance. Mostly I want to be a code warrior for five or ten years, reaching expert level. Build up some financial reserves so that I can either make it as a freelance shareware author/philosopher or head back to school in (probably) cognitive science. But that's a long way off, and I'm not especially committed to anything.
A key to the second piece of my existential moment can be found in one word in the above paragraph. As a hint, it's not "scheme." Rather, it's solitude. When I first hatched the desire for the Great American Journey In A Van (this was probably around freshman/sophomore year), it was to be a journey by two. See, when They tell you all about growing up, you absorb that you'll find your life partner, or at least your first spouse, in college. Sure, I figured. 25,000 people. A significant portion of them are probably smart, sexy, and cool. Lots of interaction with different people, abundant chances for connection. I've had a (physical) crush pretty much every semester. So what's the problem? First, I'm not the sort of person who'll establish a relationship based on looks. In order for someone to become more than a fantasy catalyst I need to know what she thinks. What are her interests? What does she find funny? So, says the practiced pro, ask her out and learn these things. Problem. The first couple years I was still socially inept. I wanted to try this out, but could not for the life of me figure out how. I didn't have the guts to say "Hi. I've chosen my seat in class for the last several weeks so that I could get several inconspicuous glances. I know I'm kinda weird looking, but I'm interesting to talk to. Would you like to go out somewhere and chat?" Partly it was geekly inhibition. Partly it was the fact that the only things I did outside of class and my room were interest-based (you don't go to philosophy club if you aren't into philosophy, it's no fun to visit a game store if you don't play games). Fast forward a bit. As an RA I've learned how to talk to strangers, use the phone, hang out, all that fun stuff. So what's my excuse now? I'd like to be a responsible boyfriend, and that entails devoting time and energy to the girl in question. But I'm working on a large software project, taking graduate school classes, working as an RA, and trying to get enough sleep not to do anything stupid. And I don't have it in me to put someone above schoolwork -- I don't even think I have it in me to put personal health and hygene above schoolwork. If I were dating me this year, I'd feel neglected, and that's not a way to start a good relationship. I have gotten to know some pretty cute girls fairly well this year (one of whom I'd had "it'd be great if we ended up in the same class and talked a lot and went out" fantasies about during they previous year and, hey presto, there we are in class talking). However, upon reflection, I decided that, though we get along great as friends, we'd be a bad couple. I'm a tough person to date -- I have some strange practices, a weird sense of humor, odd views, and am incapable of letting a debatable point slide. Part of dating me is getting into deep philosophy, and I've gotten the "that's horrible, how could you think that?" look from girls a lot.
Do I ramble? I contain recursion. The point is that another face of my existential upwelling in the last few days has been a desire for intimacy. I can fully appreciate the biological and evolutionary sources and basis of the emotion I'm feeling, but that doesn't make my arms any less empty as I try to fall asleep. I wish I had someone I could wrap myself around, muse with, kiss, make puns, exchange backrubs. All of that cute soft-eyed stuff. But such a one is not here now, nor has she been present for most of my life. And the prospects next year aren't exactly rosy -- dating and graduate school aren't frequently conjoined. Don't get me wrong. I'm a big fan of solitude, and I get along with myself better than many do. But as much as I like being awake, I also like sleeping, which is convenient, since I'm biologically wired to desire sleep. Ditto intimacy.
If part the first is future-looking, part the second is focused on the present situation, part the third looks back, critically. I've gotten good grades, but what else substantive have I done? I haven't ever had a lot of close friends, and I keep in touch with even fewer. For all my talk and thought about making the world a better place, I haven't made a big impact on much of anything. I'm disappointed with several aspects of my performance as an RA, such as making close friendships and inspiring and provoking thought and action. I have brought a lot of smiles with odd dress and unique antics, but that's something I almost don't put effort into. I'm satisfied with life as a Taoist tare-panda most of the time, but there's lots of stuff I haven't done well or at all. I think the key is getting closer to people. I'm capable of all sorts of wild and deep conversations, but I don't have them very often outside the confines of Philosophy Club. I think this is because I'm lousy at starting conversations. My internal monologue jumps from inside joke to domain specific pondering to long-running intellectual progression, none of which are particularly inviting to the novice user of Trevor's mind. Further, I don't really know what to ask or say to draw out key features about other people. I've made it to small talk, but I can't get the big ball rolling. (Of course, time constraints are also present. When I've got Too Much Work, I feel irresponsible chatting for more than a minute or two.) Maybe I don't go to enough parties. (I could enumerate my college party experience without removing my shoes.) But I also wonder why few people start these conversations with me. I feel bad that I haven't reached out more to my residents, but why haven't most of them reached out to me? Why don't I get invited to parties, why don't people ask me deep questions? If you have insight here, please share it. If you'd like to partake in a conversation of depth, start it right up. Give a holler by email, chitter at me on IRC. I'm even trying to be on AIM regularly. (Username Flwyd, big surprise.) Did that sound like a pathetic call for attention? It wasn't; just an invitation, if one was needed.
Time continues. Later today (it's 1:40? ugh) I register for classes at CU for the next to last time. This evening I interview to be a Hall Director Assistant. The outcome of that determines what kind of summer job I can look for and what I'll do with my free time next year. University deadlines happen regardless of existential moments.
Perhaps, at a very fundamental level that spring break tends to bring out, I really just want to lie around in the sun all day. I put lots of effort into being lazy, and this may be a plodding use of an hour and a half of not sleeping to come to a conclusion I knew all along. If you've read this far, I hope you've been able to glean some insight into your own existential moments, or at least into who I am. If you'd like me to stop by your neck of the woods (or want to tell me about some other shoulder of the woods that I really oughtn't miss, preferably with lots of sun and good computer jobs) on The Great American Journey, give me a buzz.
Be seeing you.
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Not sure what to say
Date: 2002-04-03 12:03 am (UTC)Notice! This user has turned on the option that logs your IP address when posting.
That is so you.
Anyway, that is one heckuva post you got there (no, not that post, ya mook). I'm not sure what to say, really. Now I know I'm not really a smart person, especially when compared to you or mle, and I may not know what existential means (or half the other words you use), but I understand.
I was kinda thinking of writing a post tonight that was somewhat similar to yours, and I still will, but I thought I should say something to you that I probably should have said once or twice several years ago: Thanks. We may not have been the most absolutely close friends during school, but we hung out a bit, and I knew at least enough about you to know that you were someone I could call a man I'm proud to know. (Quick man-hug, then seperate and talk about sports)
I think your journal entry stated what a decent group of people our age feel. (Unless, of course, I misinterpreted it [Again, I'm not a smart person]). I'm not saying that you aren't unique or anything. Rather, I'm saying that I think I understand how you feel and I feel some of the same. Mine comes from a different place, but the end result is similar. You have stayed on the path that you laid out for yourself and I left mine some time ago, but there is definitely some big questions going through my mind about what I am doing with my life. Most of the time I try not to think about it, but like most life important decisions, it catches up with me.
I don't know how much of this is coming across right, so I'll come a smaller point. If nothing else, you've inspired me to lose my inhibitions about writing in my journal. I'd been questioning how much I should expose myself on this thing. Your willingness to open up has reminded me that I don't really have to worry about getting flak from anybody about my life. It's mine and if they don't like it, they can fuck off.
But enough with the ramblings. I just made a decision. Want a G4 cube? I happen to have one (450Mhz, 320MB, 20GB, DVD) that I ain't using. If you could compensate me monetarily (sp?), cool, if not, oh well, accept it as a small token of my appreciation for the role you had in my life during some of my most formative years. At the very least, we are TOTALLY going to hang out in the not too distant future. Gimme a call some time in the next couple a days at 720-296-5555 and tell me when you've got a few hours to grab a beer. Wait, you probably wouldn't grab a beer. Well, I can grab a beer and you can grab whatever.
Mike
Re: Not sure what to say
Date: 2002-04-03 11:14 am (UTC)And on that note, I would also like to add my 2 cents' worth to this conversation. I feel like I come from a pretty informed position, having known you for (unobtrusively counts fingers) 7 years now (dear lord, it really has been almost a decade) under the 'friend' label, on top of having been your coconspirator in your first experiment in romantic interaction. I would have to agree with Mike on this one- you're not alone in this whole thing. Mike's feeling it (ostensibly), and so am I. Also, if that's not enough to convince you (although if it's Mike and me, why the Hell would you need to go to anyone else?!), all of my friends here in various stages of BA/MA pursuit are feeling it too... The idea of college is a weird one. I do feel that I've learned some good, interesting, fun stuff. But I finished my degree at the end of last year, insofar as I had completed all of the classes and earned credit, and completed my senior comprehensive exam. Yet they insisted that I stay here for another 2 years. To complete these stupid GEs that I had been avoiding to focus on my linguistics, what truly interested me. I'm starting to see why they did this, though. As much as I loathed the idea of being forced to stay here for another 2 years, the idea of going out into the world at the end of last year and getting a job was even more repugnant. This year my housing on-campus fell through and so I'm living in my own place (which you know, obviously- you slept in it. Duh.) and paying my way with groceries and all of those stupid 'grown-up' things like utilities and rent. Still in school, but feeling a little more...adult, I suppose? Also the whole moving in with the person I'm involved with and making that work for both of us has been an interesting experience (no, I really don't mean 'interesting' euphemistically, I really AM interested in the process and I'm also really enjoying it.) that has forced me to become a lot more...dammit, there's no better word for it, 'grown up'...
I, at this point, would like to do grad school in theater. It's because at this point in my life I have decided that I'm going to pursue my art and I can support myself doing waitressing or working retail while I do it. I can get a more stable, upwardly mobile job later if I feel the need, but right now while I have the energy and can stand the idea of it, I'm going to go after what I really want to do. But first a little more school. High school seemed like a bit of a waste of time to all of us, I think. But looking back on it, I realize that it was actually just yet another gestation, to shamelessly steal your analogy. That's all it's been all along. And I don't really know if it's any different once we emerge from the academia. My parents don't seem to think so. Apparently work is a similar experience. Back me up on this one, Mike...
I adore both of you dearly, and I'm so glad that we're all in this boat together. Makes it more chummy, don't you think?
*heh, get it, boat...sharks...chum....yeah, shut up*
Re: Not sure what to say
Date: 2002-04-03 01:25 pm (UTC)Yeah, I learned it in the Army, and I'm learning it again knowing that I'll work the rest of my life: Growing up sucks and the future is kinda wierd.
Mike