In Common

[flwyd]

tamheals and I met on May 30th, 2004. In November, we moved in together. A few weeks ago, we decided to enter in to a Common Law Marriage. After doing some research, we found that the most official such an arrangement can get is to file a notarized affidavit with the County Recorder's Office. Since it was late morning on a Saturday, we brainstormed for a moment about what notary would be open. Tamara said to check First Bank's web page. We found, to our delight, that the First Bank inside King Soopers at Kipling and Ken Caryl is open until 2pm on Saturdays.

We finished breakfast and drove off, self-written document in hand. We signed the paper, got the stamp, deposited a check, and then Tamara got a drink at the Starbucks next to the bank. (I would have gotten an Italian Soda to celebrate, but this small outfit couldn't produce.) We got some lunch meat, some snacks, some sorbet, and a cooked chicken and checked out, husband and wife. (Technically, we were married under common law a few nights before, when we decided to be married. The document just serves as a reference for people who want proof.) On 05/05/05 at 8:19, our affidavit was recorded in Jefferson County, CO. It was document number 2005014349. The recording fee was $6.

Tamara's family was pretty excited about this. They like me, and now all three of her dad's daughters got married within a year. Despite our protestations, he sent me a check for $1,000 and a Toad Suck Daze T-Shirt. My mom was rather taken aback; she had to lie down on the floor while we talked about it. Her main concern was that this happened without a ritual marking the change in life status. We assured her that ritual was on our mind, but that we wanted to properly prepare for it, whereas we could get the legal business out of the way simply. My dad offered his congratulations and baked us a wedding pie. (Pecan with lots of molasses; his old standby pie.)


Why did we do this?

Our perspectives on marriage differ significantly. Tamara's parents got married two weeks after they met in Florida, though they insist she got pregnant on the honeymoon. Last August when she was having some health problems, Tamara's dad told her he didn't want her living at the Y and offered to send her the $35 so we could get married at the court house. At her sister's wedding, her dad told us he'd come visit Colorado if we got married.

With that as a background, but not as a major motivating factor, Tamara mentioned several times her desire to get married over the past few months. She expressed her perspective that it's an expression of love and commitment, and that when people love each other and are committed, they should get married to secure that bond.

I've grown up with a perspective on social activities which is somewhat outside the mainstream. I think it's quite admirable when a couple stays together for a long time without getting married. They acknowledge their love and commitment and don't feel that a government or church should get involved. Since people of the same sex can't enter into a legal marriage in most places, this sort of a partnership appeals to my sense of equality.

I wasn't opposed to the idea of marriage, but when it came up I felt like we hadn't been together long enough to make that kind of decision. I've seen a lot of great relationships last for a few years and then end, one way or another. I thought I would be more comfortable getting married after we'd lived together for a few years. Since I could tell marriage was important to Tamara, I wanted to get married, just not yet.

So why did we get married in King Soopers the day before Beltane? (Aside from being cheaper than eloping to Vegas...) Tamara left her job with hospice before her thyroid surgery in March, and has taken this opportunity to get her health in order. I've been paying a lot of our expenses, since I earn more than she does. Merely by being married, Tamara can be covered by my health insurance and we get a significant discount on car insurance. We didn't get married because of insurance, we got married because we love each other. We got a common law marriage a week and a half ago because that gave us immediate benefits. If there weren't any legal benefits, we would've waited, organized a significant ceremony, etc. We still plan to have a wedding with lots of friends, food, and fun. But we're separating the concepts of marriage and wedding. The former conveys certain legal rights and responsibilities. The other is a ritual marking a couple's union, an opportunity to share their love with their friends and family and make it clear to the community that they're an item.


In Colorado, all that's necessary for a Common Law marriage is for the parties involved to be of opposite sex, over 18 (or 16 with parental permission), not otherwise married, able to enter into a legal agreement, and intend to be married. Doing things like sharing a last name, living together, referring to each other as spouses, etc. can be used as supporting evidence should it come up. But the only thing that must be present is the intent to be married and the ability to enter into a formal marriage. A common law marriage is legally valid in any situation in which a formal marriage is called for. All states should honor a common law marriage from another state. To end a common law marriage, a couple must still get a divorce. This site has a lot more information about marriage law, including what states allow common law marriages.

For those interested, below is a copy of the affidavit I wrote, adapted from a generic affidavit from the web. I've altered the address; if you want our real address, drop me a line. For the record, I prefer the term "partner" while Tamara prefers the term "wife."

AFFIDAVIT OF COMMON LAW MARRIAGE

State of Colorado
County of Jefferson


BEFORE ME, the undersigned Notary,
on this 30th day of April, 2005, personally appeared Trevor K. M. Stone and Tamara R. Suhm, known to me to be credible persons and of lawful age, who being by me first duly sworn, on their oath, depose and say:

We profess to be husband and wife and we hold ourselves out to the community as being married.
That we are eighteen years of age or older.
There is no legal impediment to our marriage, including, but not limited to, a prior marriage of either party that has not been legally terminated by death or divorce.
We understand that this agreement can be terminated legally only through death or divorce




__________________________________ __________________________________
Trevor Keir MacFergus Stone Tamara Ruth Suhm
123 Main St.
Littleton, CO 80123
(joint residence)


Subscribed and sworn to before me, this _________________ day of _________________ , 2005.

Notary Seal:


__________________________________ 
[signature of Notary]     
           

__________________________________ 
[name of Notary]

NOTARY PUBLIC

My commission expires: ________________, 20____.

Comments

[maiden-midwife.livejournal.com]

Congratulations! I look forward to hearing about your wedding ritual, when you finally decide you are ready to have one. (No pressure though) :D

[iamcompufrog.livejournal.com]

Marriage, like love, has the nasty habit of sticking to one's face.
Heinlein said "when it's over, it's best to be through with it - a dead marriage smells worse, anf faster, than dead fish..." (approximate paraphrase).

---

As for me? I guess I don't know when to give up. Or, if I should give up. I know, for a fact, that my first marriage was over LONG before the papers were filed... Years before. Still, I thought it better to NOT terminate the relationship because of "the kids." I was wrong.

Children get hurt so easily, and we adults just don't realize how simple it is to make a mess of our kids' lives. As for me, I've lived a good, long, time - not as long as I would like, but actually longer than I expected. I would, without a second thought, trade my life for one of my children's.

---

I go here for one reason only (in this response, anyway) -- and that is to say that there are many measures of love, life, and marriage. True love means putting the needs (and sometimes desires) of someone else in front of yours. But, it is a multi-edged sword, because all-too-often one finds that by doing so, one makes it impossible to live up to what the other one really needs, and miserable failure is still, well, miserable failure == no matter how well intentioned.

May you love and live wisely, happily, and with the joy that should be the right of every sentient entity. May the dire wold never howl at your door.

Ah yeah, "for the kids."

[mackys.livejournal.com]

As for me? I guess I don't know when to give up. Or, if I should give up. I know, for a fact, that my first marriage was over LONG before the papers were filed... Years before. Still, I thought it better to NOT terminate the relationship because of "the kids." I was wrong.

I'm the child of divorce. My parents getting divorced probably did screw with me in some small way. But I suspect it would have screwed me up FAR worse had my biological parents stayed together after they no longer loved each other. As it stands now, both of them have remarried and are quite happy. So now I have four loving parents, instead of two unhappy ones. Sure seems clear to me what the right thing for my parents to do was.

[altamira16.livejournal.com]

Gaah. Your work didn't have some sort of "if you have lived together for six months you can share insurance" clause?

Also, gaah, this whole thing is a race and you are winning. I started dating T in February of 2004. I moved in in March of 2004. I quit paying rent at my other place in August of 2004. We are going into mortgage together in probably the next 6 to 9 months I think.

[supereggo.livejournal.com]

doh -- you beat me by 19 days!

congratulations to the both of you! casey and i have been engaged for 8.5 months now, but we have been ready to be married since last summer. for us, engagement has been a time where we could really double and triple check (or perhaps sometimes more accurately second- and third-guess) out intentions.

you are right, planning a large wedding (as ours has become) is almost a complete detachment from the event at hand. when people say "weddings arent for the bride and groom, they are for everyone else" -- they are correct.

whats important is that both of you are able to come to a common view of what marriage means. that you are able to agree and understand what your expectations of each other will be. that you are willing to and want to enter into that with- and place those expectations on each other. and that you are willing to work hard and not give up on each other. marriage in its nature is not something that is 'easy'... but if you work hard, it can certainly be fun!

congrats once again :) i look forward to seeing you both in a couple weeks!

[billingb.livejournal.com]

I actually think that the "weddings aren't for the bride and groom, they are for everyone else" is a harmful idea traveling around. Although I agree that a lot of what a wedding is becomes about other people. At the core the wedding is a social recognition of your love and commitment to each other, and you will be the center of attention. That is important I believe, mostly because making a commitment in front of a lot of people is a lot different then privately in your own home.

I agree that a common view is important though!

[greeneydtigress.livejournal.com]

Congratulations to both of you. And yes there is a big difference between the legal side and the ritual side of getting married. Eric and I legally married at Denver county courthouse on a rainy Friday the 13th with a nervouse Jamaican lady as our clerk filling out the parkwork. The courthouse had closed by the time she was finished. We walked out afterward in a fit of almost hysterics and then went for pizza. Since then we've had 2 rituals for our wedding a year apart. The first was very pagan and with our friends. The second was more non-denominational for the family.

[maplesstrip.livejournal.com]

There is no legal impediment to our marriage, including, but not limited to, a prior marriage of either party that has not been legally terminated by death or divorce.

I wish you had added, "Nor are we of the same sex, so take it easy right-wing wackos."

Just a thought, but congratulations anyway! That's excellent!

[mythicsagefire.livejournal.com]

Congratualtions to you both!
I like your philosophy about marriage, especially in terms of equality for all. Thor & I also debated the marriage subject with much intensity. We ended up doing a ceremony when we moved in together, then had a handfasting, then an actual wedding ceremony which made it all legal. I wanted to wait and not rush things as you can tell a lot about your combatibility when you just live with someone for a while and I don't take a divorce lightly. I do believe in creating some sort of legal bond especially if you ever desire to have children. Our insurance counted us as common law from day 1 - as long as we recognized our selves as such it was true.

~~~~~~~
Notes to file for later -
You can get a reduced fee for a marriage license if you tell them you are common law married already. Its not much, but its something.
And I am a notary - have been for more than 10 years now. Though I do it mostly for work related stuff, I do help out friends and family when the need arises.

DUDE!

[alias-treefrog.livejournal.com]

Con-gradt-chew-mole-aaa-te-shuns!, and In the spirit of things I have sent you an e-mail @ your LIVEJOURNAL>COM account, please read and respond ASAP!

COOLNESS!
-Erik

[dr-tectonic.livejournal.com]

Good job! Go you guys! I'm very happy for you.

I very much like your separation of "marriage" and "wedding", so I will save the official "Congratulations!" for the official ritual of state-change -- but congratulations, too!

[billingb.livejournal.com]

Congratulations

[477150n.livejournal.com]

Congratulations from me too.

This really is the year for getting married, it seems. I love seeing all the different ways that my friends choose to handle both the 'legal' part and the 'ritual' part. Far from being standard, each wedding or marriage we attend or hear about is unique from all the others. When we were married we didn't have a lot of experience of other people's weddings to draw from.

Anyway.. that's just brain droppings.. the point is: All the best to you and Tamara!

[maggiedacatt.livejournal.com]

I wandered over here per Allison's suggestion. First of all, congratulations!

Second of all, I want to offer my hope that everyone important to you supports you in your decision. My husband and I got legally married ahead of schedule for the same reason - I was out of work and needed health insurance. We had already been planning a wedding (which still went through, less than three weeks ago), so there was no question of whether or not we wanted to be married. But for some reason, a lot of my more traditional family thought that it was, at best, strange.

But, on the other hand, those people either got over it or pretended that they did. Anyway, I hope things go smoothly for you, but as long as you can articulate your motivations as eloquently as you have here, I don't see why you should have any problems. Good luck!

[catesv.livejournal.com]

Trevor and Tamara!! CONGRATULATIONS!!! I LOVE the way you got married. Jason and I were married at 9:30 on a Monday morning by a dude named Judge Ovid Beldock. We wore T-shirts, blue jeans, and boots. Afterwards, we had breakfast at Denny's and then spent the day just hanging out. It was just me, him, and our 1 year old daughter that day. Completely without drama and just as awesome as the "real" deal. We have been married for 10 years now. I would recommend going this route to anyone. We are still planning a lavish recommitment someday for the family but for now, we have a few our hands full. Annalise (our new baby) will be born on the 19th and we close on a new house sometime around the 23rd.

I am so happy that you walked with such faith into unity. It is not a step that many are brave enough to make these days...

Hugs to you both!
Wyn

Congrats!

[mackys.livejournal.com]

Looking forward to seeing pictures from the ceremony, when it happens.

Live long, and prosper. ;]

[soromon.livejournal.com]

Wahoo!

I was thinking... people who get common law marraiges just for the insurance would give new meaning to the phrase "friends with benefits."