Speak Now

[flwyd]

I consider LiveJournal to be, in large part, an exercise in Open Source Living. It saddens me to see people turn their whole journal "friends only," because it restricts how far their insights can travel. I'm not arguing against privacy (although I've yet to make a protected post). Clearly there are times when you don't want to share your thoughts with the world; perhaps you want to complain bitterly about someone before diplomatically airing your concerns with them. But if you're forever silent to the world, nobody can learn from your successes, failures, insights, and one-liners. Which is why I like the following meme, which came to me through uproar. She writes "I think we all hide behind barriers and still don't manage to ever expose any real part of ourselves to anyone. So use the fucking barrier, and expose something real for once."


Post anything that you want, and post it anonymously.

Anything. A story, a secret, a confession, a fear, a love - anything.

Be sure to post anonymously and honestly. Post twice if you'd like. Then, put this in your LJ to see what your friends (and perhaps others who you don't even realize read your LJ) have to say.

I even promise not to nslookup your IP address (which my Journal is set to log).

Comments

[malakim-angel.livejournal.com]

Have you read http://grouphug.us ? it is exactly that... thousands of honest, anonymous, confessions. how liberating.

I have made only 1 protected post ever... and for the most part I aspire to lead the kind of life I can share with all.

But as for non-anonymous confessions of the parts of ourselves that we are ashamed of... now that's a different story. Scary, if you ask me. I wish I had it in me to post my darkest fears and acts here where they could be traced back to me. I guess I count on the Universe and Karma taking care of it for me, since I'm a wuss.

[(Anonymous)]

I remember with vivid clarity the first time I realized that there was someone out there who hated me. I was in 6th grade, and looking back on it I know that while it was all directed at me, none of the many many people who ended up becoming involved actually held any malice towards me personally. It was middle school crap. BUT, that didn't stop it from sinking in that I had lived as nonviolently, magnanimously and kindly as I could think to be every moment I could, and that didn't stop someone from wanting to cause me pain.

I wanted so badly to be an even better person, in the hopes that I could make them like me again, so that I wouldn't feel like there was something wrong with me. (Because of course if you are the best person you can be, nobody should ever have any ill will towards you, right? Was this all my own fault? I had clearly done something dreadfully wrong, I was unable to even see what I had done, and that was clearly a flaw of great magnitude somewhere deep inside myself... I truly internalized all of this.)

It has taken me twelve years to truly begin to feel that my self-worth does not lie in the opinions of others. I cite as part of my reasoning with myself the fact that in those twelve years, only two people have taken metaphorical arms against me, and in both cases, I am able to rationalize exactly why they direct their anger at me. In both cases, it is their own unhappiness that has been reflected back towards me, as I was the person closest to them who was an easy target for their own self-doubt and unhappiness.

And that all sounds so good when it is written down.

But I still place nearly all of my judgment of my own worth in the expressed impressions of me that I receive from those around me. I still seem to be lacking the ability to provide my own support.

And that makes me feel even worse sometimes. There are moments when I think about things that I have achieved and I am able to give myself a boost of confidence, but often it is in tandem with an outside acknowledgment of that achievement. I want to someday reach a point where I truly don't require others' approval in order to feel that I am a good and worthwhile person.

Someday I hope that happens, but today doesn't look like the day for it.