Admit it. We all watch political speeches with our own running commentary. I was inspired to write it down, which took a lot longer than I'd anticipated. What follows is a work of satire. I don't believe everything I imply with my comments that look like this. (If that clause didn't look different, reading the speech may be an interesting experience.) I support some of the proposals the President outlined in his speech and I agree with some of the statements he made. But in the interest of saturated satire I inserted every snarky comment I could think of in a single pass through the text. If you like this document, I recommend whitehouse.org's State of the Union (run by the fine folks at Landover Baptist Church),

george_w_bush, and the Bushwhacked mp3s. For the record, I am very glad I didn't spend the five hours this took when I was inspired last year, especially since I broke my 'b' key around that time. Feel free to add subtext I overlooked, forward the document to your friends, make your own version, or perform Mystery Politics Theater on other politicians you aren't fond of.

And for the record, when shot straight on, Bush's nose looks disturbingly like a penis. I don't hold it against him, it's just a little unnerving. Not quite as unnerving as Nancy Pelosi's eyes. *shudder*

State of the Union 3000

Delivered by George W. Bush on January 20th, 2004. Satire by flwyd.

Permission granted to distribute, with or without modification, so long as all modifiers are acknowledged, unless they choose to remain anonymous.

Mr. Speaker, Vice President Cheney, members of Congress, distinguished guests, television viewers frustrated that there's nothing else on, and fellow citizens: America this evening is a nation called to great responsibilities. And we are rising to meet them. In fact, you'll be standing every 30 seconds for the next hour.

As we gather tonight, hundreds of thousands of American servicemen and women are deployed across the world in the war on terror. I was personally deployed for three hours, and it was rough. By bringing hope to the oppressed, bombs and chaos to the innocent, and delivering justice to the violent, they are making America more secure. (Applause.) Iraq, on the other hand...

Each day, law enforcement personnel and intelligence officers are tracking terrorist threats and tracing your e-mail; analysts are examining airline passenger lists and pouncing on anyone whose last name happens to be Hussein; the men and women of our new Homeland Security Department are patrolling our coasts and borders making sure we keep cheap prescription and recreational drugs away from those who need them. And their vigilance is protecting America. (Applause.) And their virginance is protecting them from STDs. Er, wait... that's for the end of the speech.

Americans are proving once again to be the hardest working people in the world. Well, those that can find a job, anyway. And let's not mention the folks that work 12-hour days for $2 and no benefits. The American economy is growing stronger. Well, the part of it where I'm sitting is. The tax relief you passed is working. We've successfully delivered several billion dollars to millionaires. Mission accomplished. (Applause.)

Tonight, members of Congress can take pride in the great works of compassion and reform that skeptics had thought impossible. You're raising the standards for our public schools (by lowering the standards of testing), and you are giving our senior citizens prescription drug coverage and American pharmaceuticals no-bid profits under Medicare. (Applause.)

We have faced serious challenges together, and now we face a choice: We can go forward with confidence and resolve, or we can turn back to the dangerous illusion that terrorists are not plotting and outlaw regimes are no threat to us. We can press on with economic growth, and reforms in education and Medicare, or we can turn back to old policies and old divisions. We can walk further into the quicksand or we can turn back to solid ground.

We've not come all this way -- from the son of the President to the President -- through tragedy, and trial and war -- only to falter and leave our work unfinished. Americans are rising to the tasks of history, not that I know anything about history, and they expect the same from us. In their efforts, their enterprise, and their character, the American people are showing that the state of our union is confident and strong. (Applause.) The state of our civil union, on the other hand...

Our greatest responsibility is the active defense of the American people. And by active defense I really mean offense. Twenty-eight months have passed since September 11th, 2001 -- over two years without an attack on American soil, though we've attacked twice since then. And it is tempting to believe that the danger is behind us. (Gesture to Vice President and Speaker of the House.) That hope is understandable, comforting -- and false. The killing has continued in Bali, Jakarta, Casablanca, Riyadh, Mombasa, Jerusalem, Istanbul, and Baghdad. I take pride in my involvement in the latter. The terrorists continue to plot against America and the civilized world. And by our will and courage, (oh, and a few hundred billion dollars) this danger will be defeated. (Applause.)

Inside the United States, where the war began, or rather, where we finally noticed it, we must continue to give our homeland security and law enforcement personnel every tool they need to defend us. Even those which are not available under the Constitution. And one of those essential tools is the Patriot Act, which allows federal law enforcement to better share information, to search your home, to read your email without notice, to monitor your library records with a gag rule, to arrest and detain you without charges, to track terrorists, to disrupt their cells, and to seize their assets. For years, we have used similar provisions to catch embezzlers and drug traffickers. We especially like seizing the assets of drug traffickers. If these methods are good for hunting criminals, they are even more important for hunting terrorists and thousands of innocent Muslim men. (Applause.)

Key provisions of the Patriot Act are set to expire next year. (Applause.) The terrorist threat will not expire on that schedule. (Applause.) I too applaud that the terrorist threat will not expire. It's in my political advantage. Our law enforcement needs this vital legislation to protect our stranglehold on power, discourse, and information available to citizens. You need to renew (but don't review) the Patriot Act. (Applause.)

America is on the offensive against the terrorists who started this war and an entirely unrelated country as well. Last March, Khalid Shaikh Mohammed, a mastermind of September the 11th, awoke to find himself in the custody of U.S. and Pakistani authorities. "And you were there, and you were there... and YOU were there!" Last August the 11th brought the capture of the terrorist Hambali, who was a key player in the attack in Indonesia that killed over 200 people. We're tracking al Qaeda around the world, and nearly two-thirds of their known leaders have now been captured or killed. Their most known leader is still at large an still sending messages. And we won't even mention how many unknown leaders have been captured. Or how relatively unimportant individual leaders are in a cell-based suicide bomb operation. Thousands of very skilled and determined military personnel are on the manhunt, going after the remaining killers who hide in cities and caves and undisclosed locations, and one by one, we will bring these terrorists to justice. Except this is a war, so it's a rather limited sense of justice. (Applause.)

As part of the offensive against terror, we are also confronting the regimes that harbor and support terrorists, (let's leave the School of the Americas and Henry Kissinger out of this for the moment), and could supply them with nuclear, chemical or biological weapons like we gave to Iraq in the 1980s. The United States and our allies are determined: We refuse to live in the shadow of this ultimate danger. We prefer to cast a shadow of ultimate danger. (Applause.)

The first to see our determination were the Taliban, who made Afghanistan the primary training base of al Qaeda killers. The first to see our bombs were the impoverished citizens of Kabul. As of this month, that country has a new constitution, guaranteeing free elections and full participation by women. If you ignore the fact that outside of Kabul and Kandahar, the country is in the control of the warlords once again. Businesses are opening, health care centers are being established, and the boys and girls of Afghanistan are back in school and getting a healthy dose of American rhetoric. With the help from the new Afghan army, our coalition is leading aggressive raids against the surviving members of the Taliban and al Qaeda. We're sorry about our aggressive raids on innocent civilians. They all look and sound the same to our find English-speaking men and women in uniform. The men and women of Afghanistan are building a nation that is free and proud and fighting terror -- and America is honored to be their friend and business partner in rebuilding what we've destroyed. (Applause.)

Since we last met in this chamber, combat forces of the United States, Great Britain, Australia, Poland and other countries enforced the demands of the United States, made despite the will of the United Nations, ended the U.S.-supported rule of Saddam Hussein, and the people of Iraq are free. In the sense that everyone's free in an anarchy, and the dead have received ultimate freedom from worry. (Applause.)

Having broken the Baathist regime and the Baghdad infrastructure, we face a remnant of violent Saddam supporters and thugs out for themselves and radical Islamists and terrorists from outside the country and several other groups we're not quite sure about. Men who ran away from our troops in battle and bombs from above anti-aircraft range are now dispersed and attack from the shadows. These killers, joined by foreign terrorists, are a serious, continuing danger that was not a problem until we attacked. Yet we're making progress against them and they're making progress against us. The once all-powerful (so powerful he wanted weapons of mass distruction!) ruler of Iraq was found in a hole, and now sits in a prison cell. I can't say the same for our other prisoners held in Cuba who are neither Prisoners of War nor prisoners in the U.S. legal system. (Applause.) Of the top 55 officials of the former regime, we have captured or killed 45. We've still got a few rounds of Go Fish before we're through with the deck. Our forces are on the offensive, or active defensive, if you will, leading over 1,600 patrols a day and conducting an average of 180 panty raids a week, where they bust into a house full of Iraqi men, women, and children and yell at them in English. We are dealing with these thugs in Iraq, just as surely as we dealt with Saddam Hussein's evil regime -- with disregard for law, caution, and intelligence. (Applause.)

The work of building a new Iraq is hard because we destroyed so much of it, and it is right. And America has always been willing to do what it takes for what is right. Even if it took a hundred years. And unless what it takes is deferring to international law. Last January, Iraq's only law was the whim of one brutal man. We've since repealed laws limiting foreign companies, but left in place laws against labor unions. Today our coalition is working with the Iraqi Governing Council to draft a basic law, with a bill of rights. There's a legend that America once had a bill of rights. We're working with Iraqis and the United Nations to prepare for a transition to full Iraqi sovereignty by the end of June. Did I mention that there's an election in November?

As democracy takes hold in Iraq, the enemies of freedom will do all in their power to spread violence and fear. And I think we've done a pretty good job of that. They are trying to shake the will and hands of our country and our friends, but the United States of America will never be intimidated by thugs and assassins. Does the term "honor among thieves" mean anything to you?" (Applause.) The killers will fail, and the Iraqi people will live in freedom. And my campaign contributors will profit from the oil. (Applause.)

Month by month, Iraqis are assuming more responsibility for their own security and their own future. Pretty soon, we hope the police stations will be able to keep their guns from being stolen. And tonight we are honored to welcome one of Iraq's most respected leaders: the current President of the Iraqi Governing Council, Adnan Pachachi. Next month, they'll have a different President. Because that's the way to build stable democracy.

Sir, America stands with you and the Iraqi people as you build a free and peaceful nation. (Applause.)

Because of American leadership and resolve, the world is changing for the better. Last month, the leader of Libya voluntarily pledged to disclose and dismantle all of his regime's weapons of mass destruction programs, including a uranium enrichment project for nuclear weapons. We decided not to give Saddam Hussein the same opportunity. Colonel Qadhafi correctly judged that his country would be better off and far more secure without weapons of mass murder. Because clearly the most safe state of affairs is when only one side has weapons of mass murder. (Applause.)

Nine months of intense negotiations involving the United States and Great Britain succeeded with Libya, while 12 years of diplomacy with Iraq did not. Because Iraq had no weapons of mass destruction to surrender. Catch-22! And one reason (why diplomacy failed) is clear: For diplomacy to be effective, words must be credible, and our words in private to Hussein in the mid-80s were "ignore what we say in public," and no one can now doubt the word of America. Just ask the American Indians! (Applause.)

Different threats require different strategies. I'm a big fan of invading countries, though. Along with nations in the region, we're insisting that North Korea eliminate its nuclear program. We're ignoring the insistence of our own citizens to eliminate our nuclear program. America and the international community are demanding that Iran meet its commitments and not develop nuclear weapons. I support the right to bear arms. Really. America is committed to keeping the world's most dangerous weapons out of the hands of the most dangerous regimes. Present company excepted, of course. (Applause.)

When I came to this rostrum on September the 20th, 2001, I brought the police shield of a fallen officer, my reminder of lives that ended, and a task that does not end. When I went to Iraq on November 27th, 2003, I didn't even bring a dead bird as a reminder of the lives that ended. I gave to you and to all Americans my complete commitment to securing our country and defeating our enemies. I haven't done a great job at either. And this pledge, given by one, has been kept by many. Yes, I know everything I say is recorded. Could you stop referring back to what I pledged in 2000?

Immigrants and lower class workers have provided the manpower for our offense. You in the Congress have provided the resources for our defense, and cast the difficult votes of war and peace. Well, you cast the politically easy vote for war. There hasn't been much voting for peace. Our one-time closest allies have been unwavering in their opposition to our unilateralism. America's intelligence personnel and diplomats have been skilled and tireless in telling me what I want to hear. And the men and women of the American military -- they have taken the hardest duty. We've seen their skill and their courage in armored charges and midnight raids, and lonely hours on faithful watch. We have seen the joy when they return, and felt the sorrow when one is lost. We haven't, however, seen their caskets when they've returned from war, because we've blocked new coverage of that event. I haven't even seen their funerals. I've had the honor of meeting our servicemen and women at many posts, from the deck of a carrier in the Pacific to a mess hall in Baghdad. Would you like to guess how much taxpayer money went to provide me those photo-ops?

Many of our troops are listening tonight. And I want you and your families to know: America is proud of you. And my administration, and this Congress, will give you the resources you need to fight and win the war on terror. To win a war against an abstract noun, I will present Congress with a $93 billion bill to procure some active verbs and subordinate clauses. (Applause.)

I know that some people question if America is really in a war at all. They view terrorism more as a crime, a problem to be solved mainly with law enforcement and indictments. Like I alluded to earlier when I said law enforcement officials should have the same tools to deal with embezzlers, drug traffickers, and terrorists. After the World Trade Center was first attacked in 1993, some of the guilty were indicted and tried and convicted, and sent to prison. But the matter was not settled. Just the dust. The terrorists were still training and plotting in other nations, and drawing up more ambitious plans. Who would've thought that criminals who weren't apprehended would scheme for another crime? After the chaos and carnage of September the 11th, it is not enough to serve our enemies with legal papers. So instead, we're doing away with legal papers entirely. Even for those we suspect might know something about an enemy. The terrorists and their supporters declared war on the United States, and war is what they got. We believe in giving terrorists what they want. Like the overthrow of Iraq's secular government and the disdain of Muslims around the world. (Applause.)

Some in this chamber, and in our country, did not support the liberation of Iraq. Others supported liberation through inspections, international law, and a well-planned transition. Objections to war often come from principled motives. Support of war often comes from greed and bloodlust. But let us be candid about the consequences of leaving Saddam Hussein in power. After we set him up, he used the weapons we supplied to invade Iran, gas Kurds within his borders, torture dissenters, and invade Kuwait. We're seeking all the facts. We shot first and are asking questions later. Already, the Kay Report identified dozens of weapons of mass destruction-related program activities and significant amounts of equipment that Iraq concealed from the United Nations. Any actual weapons like enriched uranium from Niger I claimed he had a year ago are now God knows where. Had we failed to act, the dictatator's weapons of mass destruction programs would continue to this day. In another 10 years, he might have been a significant threat. Had we failed to act, Security Council resolutions that we proposed but could not pass on Iraq would have been revealed as empty threats, weakening the United Nations and encouraging defiance by dictators around the world, following our record on Israel. Iraq's torture chambers would still be filled with victims, terrified and innocent, just like the INS. The killing fields of Iraq -- where hundreds of thousands of men and women and children vanished into the sands -- would still be known only to the killers. Now the killing fields in the center of Baghdad are known to everyone unfortunate enough to be in our way. For all who love freedom and peace, the world without Saddam Hussein's regime is a better and safer place if you ignore the Saddam loyalists and foreign terrorists I mentioned a few minutes ago. (Applause.)

Some critics have said our duties in Iraq must be internationalized, meaning something different than what I'm about to talk about. This particular criticism is hard to explain to our partners in Britain, Australia, Japan, South Korea, the Philippines, Thailand, Italy, Spain, Poland, Denmark, Hungary, Bulgaria, Ukraine, Romania, the Netherlands -- (applause) -- Norway, El Salvador, and the 17 other countries that have committed troops to Iraq. Let's ignore for now why no majority Muslim country is on that list. (Applause.) As we debate at home, we must never ignore the vital contributions of our international partners, or dismiss their sacrifices. Tony Blair will feel really bad if he gets voted out of office because of this.

From the beginning, America has sought international support for our operations in Afghanistan and Iraq, and we have gained much support after making clear that we didn't care how much we got. There is a difference, however, between leading a coalition of many nations, and submitting to the objections of a few. America will never seek a permission slip to defend the security of our country. Because turning Iraq over to a U.N. force is exactly the same as having to ask France if we can defend against an attack on American soil.(Applause.)

Based on recent American history, we also hear doubts that democracy is a realistic goal for the greater Middle East, where freedom is rare. Yet it is mistaken, and condescending, to assume that whole cultures and great religions are incompatible with liberty and self-government. Except those who surrender their liberty to an ancient book and allow religious leaders to govern their lives. I believe that God has planted in every human heart the desire to live in freedom. Hence the faith-based prison initiative. And even when that desire is crushed by tyranny for decades, it will rise again. And we will stand by as it is crushed once more. (Applause.)

As long as the Middle of the East Coast remains a place of tyranny and despair and anger, it will continue to produce men and movements that threaten the safety of America and our friends. So America is pursuing a forward strategy of freedom in the greater Middle East. We will challenge the enemies of reform (instead supporting reformers like Osama Bin Laden), confront the allies of terror (like our friends in Saudi Arabia), and expect a higher (gold) standard from our friend (note singular). To cut through the barriers of hateful propaganda, the Voice of America and other U.S. propaganda broadcast services are expanding their programming in Arabic and Persian -- and soon, a new television service will begin providing reliable news and information across the region. Fox News will present a Fair and Balanced picture of the Middle East, challenging the liberal America-hating bias of Al Jazeera. I will send you a proposal to halve the budget for the Corporation for Public Broadcasting and double the budget of the National Endowment for Democracy, and to focus its new work on the development of free elections (just look at my record!), and free markets (just look at Haliburton's track record!), free press (so my administration will have even more calls not to return), and free (or very cheap) labor without unions in the Middle East. And above all, we will finish the historic work of imposed democracy in Afghanistan and Iraq, so those nations can light the way for others, and help transform a troubled part of the world, the swing states. (Applause.)

America is a nation with a mission without the consent of its populace, and that mission comes from our most basic beliefs -- do whatever we want. We have no desire to dominate, no ambitions of empire. Because then we'd have responsibility for your welfare. Our ambitions are purely economic. Our aim is a democratic peace -- a peace founded upon the dignity and rights of every man and woman. Just look at the dignity and rights we accord Muslim men and poor women. America acts in this cause with friends and allies at our side, for they will not expose their backs to our blades, yet we understand our special calling: This great republic will lead the cause of freedom. Lead: go before. Cause: bring about. We will go before, but will not be, the cause of freedom. (Applause.)

Now that I've spent half of my speech on two Middle Eastern states, I will now turn to affairs in Middle East St. Louis, where things aren't so hot.

In the last three years, adversity has also revealed the fundamental strengths of the American economy -- supporting the rich while the poor struggle to find jobs and health care. We have come through recession, and terrorist attack, and corporate scandals, and the uncertainties of war. Our economy's strength is existing before and after events. And because you acted to stimulate our economy with tax relief, this economy is strong, and growing stronger. Setting an example for children -- sacrificing future health for present strength is a good idea. (Applause.)

You have doubled the child tax credit from $500 to $1,000, helped raise state college tuition by $500, reduced the marriage penalty, continued to penalize gays who would like to marry, begun to phase out the death tax, halved the number of certain things, reduced taxes on capital gains and stock dividends because stock brokers carry too heavy a tax burden, cut taxes on small businesses, cut taxes on large businesses, and you have lowered taxes for every American who pays income taxes, but not on poor workers who earn too little to pay income tax, but still pay payroll taxes.

Americans took those dollars and put them to work, driving this economy forward. Corporations took those dollars and put employees out of work, driving the Indian economy forward. The pace of economic growth in the third quarter of 2003 was the fastest in nearly 20 years; the pace of economic growth in the previous 10 quarters was not so hot; new home construction, the highest in almost 20 years; new prison construction, the highest ever; home ownership rates, the highest ever; Baghdad home destruction rates, the highest ever. Manufacturing activity is increasing. Inflation is low. Interest rates are low. Exports are growing. Unemployment is high. Productivity is high, and jobs are on the rise. They're rising up from America and moving to Asia. (Applause.)

These numbers (years and child tax credit were the only actual numbers I mentioned, by the way) confirm that the American people are using their money far better than government would have -- and certainly better than Haliburton does -- and you were right to return it. (Applause.)

America's growing economy is also a changing economy. As technology transforms the way almost every job is done (they're no longer done by humans), America becomes more productive (focusing the margin of profit to executives), and workers need new skills, like how to live without a job. Much of our job growth will be found in high-skilled fields (whatever it means for a field to have skill) like health care and biotechnology. Much of our job shrinkage will be found in high-tech fields like customer support, programming, and financial services. So we must respond by helping more Americans gain the skills to find good jobs in our new economy and by helping more Latin Americans gain the permission to find bad jobs in our old economy.

All skills (except drawing, speaking, building, acting, running, and so forth) begin with the basics of reading and math, which are supposed to be learned in the early grades of our schools, even though I turned out just fine. Yet for too long, for too many children, those skills were never mastered. By passing the No Child Left Behind Act, you have made the expectation of literacy the law of our country. By failing to fund it, I have made literacy the exception to the rule in our country. We're providing more funding for our schools -- a 36-percent increase since 2001 -- and more public funding to religious schools, an infinite-percent increase since 2001. We're requiring higher standards like brainless form-over-content essay writing. We are regularly testing every child on the fundamentals of rote memorization. We are reporting results to parents (who I've already demonstrated can't read or do math), and making sure they have better options when schools are not performing, not including options like public charter schools or fully funding the underperforming schools. We are making progress toward excellence for every child in America by sending them to schools which don't have to follow my draconian testing regime. (Applause.)

But the status quo always has defenders. I personally defend the status quo of rich-get-richer, poor-get-poorer. Some want to undermine the No Child Left Behind Act by weakening standards and accountability. Others want to undermine public education by weakening funding and academic freedom. Then we can get all the kids in religious schools. Yet the results we require are really a matter of common sense: We expect third graders to read and do math at the third grade level -- and that's not asking too much. We don't want them reading and doing math at the 6th grade level, though. Testing is the only way to identify and help students who are falling behind. Unless you consider teacher evaluation a "way." This nation will not go back to the days of simply shuffling children along from grade to grade without them learning the basics. We're going to shuffle children along from public to private schools without them learning about skeptics. I refuse to give up on any child -- my dad's friends never gave up on me, despite my miserable failures -- and the No Child Left Behind Act is opening the door of opportunity to all of America's children while closing the doors of many of America's schools. (Applause.)

At the same time, we must ensure that older students and adults can gain the skills they need to find work now, or at least find the unemployment lines. Many of the fastest growing occupations require strong math and science preparation, just like many of the fastest growing children require strong nutrition and food preparation, and training beyond the high school level. So by cutting taxes, I propose to force states to increase college tuition. So tonight, I propose a series of measures called Jobs for the 21st Century. This program will provide extra help to middle and high school students who fall behind in reading and math, expand advanced placement programs in low-income schools, invite math and science professionals from the private sector to teach part-time in our high schools, because math and science professionals can earn so much more money by teaching part-time. I propose giving no funding to help middle and high school students who want their 21st Century job to be based on arts or humanities. I propose larger Pell grants for students who prepare for college with demanding courses in high school. I propose smaller Pell grants for students who prepare for college by demanding to learn about evolution, contraception, or recreational drugs. (Applause.) I propose increasing our support for America's fine community colleges, and for America's fine women attending community colleges, so they can -- (applause.) I do so, so they can train workers for industries that are creating the most new jobs. Because community college certainly helps success in the war industry. By all these actions, we'll help more and more Americans to join in the growing prosperity and even faster-growing student debt of our country. Job training is important, and so is job creation. It's so important to re-election that I've helped eliminate over three million jobs so I can get points for "creating" them back.

We must continue to pursue an aggressive, pro-growth economic agenda, since it's worked so well for the past three years. (Applause.) Congress has some unfinished business on the issue of taxes. There's still some room for more pork in the omnibus spending bill. The tax reductions you passed are set to expire. Unless you act -- (applause) -- unless you act -- unless you act -- unless you act, you'll stutter over your lines, the unfair tax on marriage will go back up. Unless you act, the unfair tax on gays who desire marriage will remain. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged $300 more in federal taxes for every child. Unless you act, millions of families will be charged more in $300 in tuition for every child in college. Unless you act, small businesses will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, large corporations will pay higher taxes. Unless you act, the death tax will eventually come back to life. And who wants to see Zombie Tax Collectors II: The IRS Strikes Back? Unless you act, Americans face a tax increase. Unless you act, corporations will take their taxes offshore. What Congress has given, the Congress should not take away. Unless the Congress has given taxes. Congress should take those away. For the sake of job growth, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent. For the sake of income disparity growth, for the sake of corporate profit growth, for the sake of student growth for social programs, the tax cuts you passed should be permanent. (Applause.)

Our agenda for jobs and growth must help small (and more importantly large) business owners and employees with relief from needless federal regulation, like those pesky regulations about not polluting, paying fair wages, not allowing competition, etc.; and protect them from junk and frivolous lawsuits. Businesses profit best when they can't be held accountable by lawsuits. (Applause.)

Consumers and businesses need reliable supplies of energy to make our economy run -- so I urge you to pass legislation to modernize our electricity system, promote conservation, and make America less dependent on foreign sources of energy. I won't mention wind power, solar power, or any of those other good ideas, lest you think I'm an environmentalist and not an oil-industry executive. (Applause.)

My administration is promoting free and fair trade (but not the "fair trade" those protesters are talking about) to open up new markets for America's entrepreneurs and manufacturers and farmers -- to create jobs for American companies staffed by foreign workers. Younger child workers should have the opportunity to build a nest egg by saving part of their Social Security taxes in a personal retirement account because the stock market was so nice to the younger workers of Enron. (Applause.) We should make the Social Security system a source of ownership for the American people not a source of ownership for Wall Street investors. (Applause.) And we should limit the burden of government on this economy by acting as good stewards of taxpayers' dollars. A steward gives away what he's in charge of, right? (Applause.)

In two weeks, I will send you a budget that funds the war, protects the homeland, and meets important domestic needs, while limiting the growth in discretionary spending to less than 4 percent. I would never think of limiting the growth of military spending by 4 percent, however. (Applause.) This will require that Congress focus on priorities, cut wasteful spending, cut important social programs, and be wise with the people's money. By doing so, we can cut the deficit in half over the next five years. Like that sleight of hand? I'm going to increase spending, cut taxes, and reduce the deficit that I created. (Applause.)

Tonight, I also ask you to reform our immigration laws so they reflect our right-wing xenophobic values and benefit our economy. I propose a new temporary worker program to match willing foreign workers with willing employers when no Americans can be found to fill the job at the cheap wages the employers insist on paying. My inspiration comes from 200 years ago when we matched foreign slaves with eager owners when no Americans could be found to work for free. This reform will be good for our economy because employers will find needed workers in an honest and orderly system. This reform will also be good for our economy because these workers will not have the benefits and rights of citizens, so employers will profit, but the government won't need to provide services to them or their families left behind across the border. A temporary worker program will help protect our homeland, because no terrorist will be smart enough to get a job as a temporary worker, allowing Border Patrol and law enforcement to focus on true threats to our national security, like preventing willing drug sellers from finding willing buyers when no American is permitted to do the job.

I oppose amnesty, because it would encourage further legalized immigration and reduce the force of illegal immigration as a political issue, and unfairly reward those who break our laws, as opposed to the fair rewarding of executives who break our laws. My temporary worker program will preserve the citizenship path for those who respect the law, at the whim of their at will employers, while bringing millions of hardworking men and women out from the shadows of American life. American life, with its massive houses, giant smog clouds, and mountainous garbage dumps casts a long shadow indeed. (Applause.)

Our nation's health care system, like our economy, is also in a time of change, from bad to worse. Amazing medical technologies are improving and saving lives for those who can afford them. Amazing military technologies are improving and destroying lives. This dramatic progress has brought its own challenge, in the rising costs of medical care and health insurance. Members of Congress, we must work together to help control those costs and extend the benefits of modern medicine throughout our country. Without guaranteeing health care to everyone, regardless of income or employment status, of course. (Applause.)

Meeting these goals requires bipartisan effort, even though my party controls both bodies, and two months ago, you showed the way by abandoning regular procedure and keeping the vote open for three hours until you could bully enough representatives into supporting the bill. By strengthening Medicare and adding a prescription drug benefit, you kept a basic commitment to our seniors: You are giving them the modern medicine they deserve, while denying them the ancient cures their states approved. (Applause.)

Starting this year, under the law you passed, seniors can choose to receive a drug discount card, saving them 10 to 25 percent off the retail price of most prescription drugs -- and millions of low-income seniors can get an additional $600 to buy medicine. They cannot, however, purchase physician-prescribed marijuana at reasonable prices. Beginning next year, seniors will have new coverage for preventive screenings against diabetes and heart disease, and seniors just entering Medicare can receive wellness exams. The seniors of tomorrow, however, won't have coverage for preventive screenings before the diseases take hold.

In January of 2006, seniors can get prescription drug coverage under Medicare. In January of 2004, seniors can get prescription drug coverage in Canada. For a monthly premium of about $35, most seniors who do not have that coverage today can expect to see their drug bills cut roughly in half. If they lived in a country with a premier social program, their drug bills would already be cut in half. Under this reform, senior citizens will be able to keep their Medicare underfunded just as it is, or they can choose a Medicare plan that fits them best -- just as you, as members of Congress, can choose an insurance plan that meets your needs. Unlike you, as members of Congress, seniors cannot choose their own salaries. And starting this year, millions of Americans will be able to save money tax-free for their medical expenses in a health savings account. Millions more will not be able to save money because they can't even afford health insurance. (Applause.)

I signed this measure proudly, and any attempt to limit the choices of our seniors, or to take away their prescription drug coverage under Medicare, will meet my veto. Unless the attempt is to limit the choices of seniors to remarry a same-sex partner, choose the time and method of their own death, or follow their doctor's advice about medical marijuana. (Applause.)

On the critical issue of health care, our goal is to ensure that Americans can choose and afford private health care coverage that best fits their individual needs. To make insurance more affordable, Congress must act to address rapidly rising health care costs. Duh. Small businesses should be able to band together and negotiate for lower insurance rates, so they can cover more workers with health insurance. Workers and the unemployed should not be allowed to band together and negotiate for better insurance plans. I urge you to pass guilt by association health plans. (Applause.) I ask you to give lower-income Americans a refundable tax credit that would allow millions to buy their own basic health insurance. As for the unemployed who don't pay enough for a tax credit to cover anything, I don't think they deserve insurance, even though they most need it. (Applause.)

By computerizing health records, we can avoid dangerous medical mistakes, reduce costs, decrease privacy, and improve care. To protect the doctor-patient relationship we must decrease the information-gathering powers of the FBI, and keep good doctors doing good work, we must eliminate wasteful and frivolous medical lawsuits. (Applause.) And tonight I propose that individuals who buy catastrophic health care coverage, as part of our new health savings accounts, be allowed to deduct 100 percent of the premiums from their taxes. So if you don't want to pay any taxes, just buy lots of catastrophic insurance and get a kick-back from the insurance companies. (Applause.)

A government-run health care system is the wrong prescription. A for-profit health care system is purely absurd. (Applause.) By keeping costs under control, expanding access, providing financial incentive to companies for citizens to get sick, and helping more Americans afford coverage, we will preserve the system of private medicine that makes America's health care the best and most profitable in the world. (Applause.)

We are living in a time of great change -- in our world, in our economy where we have transformed a large surplus into a giant deficit, in science where Biblical literalists have silenced the truth and medicine where a doctor is dismissed because he lacks foreign policy experience. Yet some things endure -- courage and compassion (toughing it out and hoping not to get hit too hard), reverence and integrity, respect for differences of faith and race. I personally respect Christians of all different faiths and races. The values we try to live by never change, even when they've become woefully out of date. And they are instilled in us by fundamental institutions, such as families and schools and religious congregations. Oh yeah, and God who instills the desire for freedom in everyone, including atheists. These institutions, these unseen (when was the last time you saw a family, school, or congregation?) pillars of civilization, must remain strong in America, and we will defend them. Well, we won't defend families headed by anything but one man and one woman. And we won't defend schools that differ from our testing regimen. And we won't defend covens and ashrams and however it is that Indians congregate. We must stand with our families to help them raise healthy (GMO-filled), responsible children, like I have done. When it comes to helping children make right choices, there is work for all of us to do. Except those of you who encourage to make their own choices, despite what the Church says.

One of the worst decisions our children can make is to gamble their lives and futures on drugs. Gambling is illegal in most states and cities and is much more addictive and expensive than weed. Our government is helping parents confront this problem with aggressive education (because children respond so well when teachers are aggressive), treatment, and law enforcement, so that if you're not a criminal by the time you go to jail for drugs, you will be once you come out. Drug use in high school has declined by 11 percent over the last two years. Unless you count Ridalin. Or the opiate of the people. I'm not sure how much drug use after school has increased. Four hundred thousand fewer young people are using illegal drugs than in the year 2001. My niece and two daughters are not among them. (Applause.) In my budget, I proposed new funding to continue our aggressive, community-based militant strategy to reduce demand for illegal drugs. In my budget I don't propose reducing enforcement costs and demand for illegal drugs by legalizing marijuana. Drug testing in our schools has proven to be an invasive and effective part of this effort. So tonight I proposed an additional $23 million for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to save children's lives. I propose an additional $47 million for schools that want to use drug testing as a tool to control and annoy children. The aim here is not to punish children, but to create a program where we find out if they're doing drugs and then don't punish them and send them this message: We love you, and we don't want to lose you to the mind-opening and pleasurable experiences that drugs offer. (Applause.)

To help children make right choices, they need good examples. Athletics play such an important role in our society, where ball bouncers get paid 1,000 times as much as teachers, but, unfortunately, some in professional sports are not setting much of an example. The use of performance-enhancing drugs like steroids in baseball, football, and other sports is dangerous, and it sends the wrong message -- that there are shortcuts to accomplishment or the California Governorship, and that performance is more important than character, which is the dominant trend in business in the last 25 years. So tonight I call on team owners, union representatives, coaches, and players to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to get rid of steroids now. Tonight I call also on company owners, marketing representatives, consultants, and investors to take the lead, to send the right signal, to get tough, and to stop advertising alcohol during sports games. (Applause.)

To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers young people face -- even when they're difficult to talk about. Each year, millions of teenagers undergo existential angst, but their fundamentals-based standardized test-driven educations have not prepared them to read Kierkegaard, Nietzsche, Heidegger, or Sartre. Each year, about 3 million teenagers contract sexually-transmitted diseases that can harm them, or kill them, or prevent them from ever becoming parents. My own brother allowed six Chinese prostitutes into his hotel room that could've harmed him, or killed him, or embarrassed his parents and brothers. In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families about these medical risks, but not how to safely avoid them once sexually active. We will double federal funding for abstinence programs, so schools can teach this fact of life: Abstinence for young people is the only certain way to avoid sexually-transmitted diseases. We will continue to provide no funding for masturbation and penetration-free sex programs, so schools cannot teach this fact of life: Abstinence should not prevent young people from exploring the bodies of themselves and their loved ones. We are considering a similar approach to alcohol, teaching this fact of life: Teetotalism for young people is the only certain way to avoid alcohol-induced sickness. To make this message perfectly clear, we will say absolutely nothing on how to drink or have sex responsibly, only that you shouldn't do it. Because young people will refrain from doing anything teachers and the government tell them to do. (Applause.)

Decisions children now make can affect their health and character for the rest of their lives. By staying in the closet, they can doom themselves to a lifetime of therapy. All of us -- parents and schools and government -- must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children. To protect our children from the negative influence of the culture, I propose to eliminate all television, play dates, books, music, recess, and public events.

A strong America must also value the institution of marriage. A commodity or service's value increases when it is not available to everyone. I believe we should respect individuals and force homosexuals to remain as individuals, not legally-recognized couples, as we take a principled stand for one of the most fundamental, enduring institutions of our civilization -- legalized arbitrary discrimination. Congress has already taken a stand on this issue by passing the Defense of Marriage Act, signed in 1996 by President Clinton. See? I'm not the only homophobic Southern governor cum president. That statute protects marriage under federal law as a union or intersection of a man and a woman, and declares that one state may not redefine marriage for other states. If a state wants to mandate that all marriage is only between two people of the same sex, that state should not be forced to acknowledge marriages between heterosexual couples.

Activist judges, however, have begun redefining marriage by court order, without regard for the will of the people and their elected representatives. Those silly judges, following the constitution instead of activist congregations. On an issue of such great consequence as people receiving equal protection under the law, the people's voice must be heard, as long as it's not the voice of the people in question. If judges insist on following the constitution, despite bigots forcing their arbitrary will upon the people, the only alternative left to the people would be the constitutional process, which ordinarily grants people rights rather than preventing them. Our nation must defend the sanctity of marriage. Our 50% divorce rate, high incidence of domestic abuse, absurd Vegas weddings, widespread affairs, and deadbeat dads are good first steps. (Applause.)

The outcome of this debate is important -- and so is the way we conduct it. The more hate, bigotry, false information, equivocation, and incivility the better. The same moral tradition that defines marriage (except those moral and legal traditions which define marriage in a more liberal manner) also teaches that each individual has dignity and value in God's sight. Unless they happen to be gay. (Applause.)

It's also important to strengthen our communities by unleashing the compassion of America's religious institutions. Because compassion is a concept which fits semantically with "unleash." Religious charities of every creed are doing some of the most vital work in our country without government money -- mentoring children, feeding the hungry, taking the hand of the lonely and coercing them to join up. Yet government has often denied social service grants and contracts to these groups, just because they have a cross or a Star of David or a crescent or a Bill of Rights on the wall. By executive order, I have opened billions of dollars in grant money to competition that includes faith-based charities, except those that have a pentacle or dharma wheel or goddess statue on their wall. Tonight I ask you to codify this into law, so people of faith can know that the law will never discriminate against them again, except by preferential funding for our favorite religions. (Applause.)

In the past, we've worked together to bring mentors to children of prisoners, and provide treatment for the addicted, and help for the homeless. Due to tax cuts, that will have to remain in the past. Tonight I ask you to consider another group of Americans in need of help. This year, some 600,000 inmates will be released from prison back into society. We know from long experience that if they can't find work, or a home, or help, it's because we've eliminated 3,000,000 jobs; they are much more likely to commit crime and return to prison; this time probably much more violently than using drugs to have a good time. So tonight, I propose a four-year, $300 million prisoner re-entry initiative to expand job training and placement services, to provide transitional housing, and to help newly released prisoners get mentoring, including from faith-based groups, helping them to trade the opiate of the streets for the opiate of the masses. (Applause.) America is the land of second chance, and when the gates of the prison open, the path ahead should lead to a better life. Or, for hundreds of first-time offenders on death row, when the pearly gates open the path ahead should lead to an eternal life. For this journey, we should direct $300 million to faith-based groups. (Applause.)

For all Americans, the last three years have brought tedious and limited school tests we did not ask for, and narrowly-measured achievements shared by all. By our actions, we have shown what kind of nation we are -- violent and uncooperative. In grief, we have found the grace to go on to revenge. In challenge, we rediscovered the courage and daring of a disproportionately poor and minority military to free people. In victory, we have shown the noble ambitions and capitalist aims and good heart surgery of America. And having come this far, we sense that we live in a time set apart from the era of international law and cooperation.

I've been witness to the character of the people of America, who have shown calm in times of danger despite government attempts to create a rush on duct tape and plastic, compassion for one another, gays excluded, and toughness for the long haul. All of us have been partners in a great enterprise. Well, a few of us have been partners in great enterprises. Far more have been laid off by great enterprises. And even some of the youngest understand that we are living in historic times, that is, living in the past. Last month a girl in Lincoln, (notice my attempt to associate myself with a famous president?) Rhode Island, (note the "blue" state) sent me a letter. It began, "Dear George W. Bush. If there's anything you know, I, Ashley Pearson, age 10, can do to help anyone, please send me a letter and tell me what I can do to save our country." She added this P.S.: "If you can send a letter to the troops, please put, 'Ashley Pearson believes in you.' If you can send a letter to Santa Claus, please put, Ashley Pearson believes in you, too.''" Isn't that cute, folks? The kids like me. And you should support your kids in supporting me in supporting our troops. (Applause.)

Tonight, Ashley, your message to our troops has just been conveyed. And, yes, you have some duties yourself. Study hard in school so you can pass our mandatory narrow tests, listen to your mom or dad, even if they tell you to keep this secret just between you and daddy, help someone in need, and when you and your friends see a man or woman in uniform, say, "thank you." Even if they're just wearing that uniform for a photo-op. (Applause.) And, Ashley, while you do your part, all of us here in this great chamber will do our best to keep you and the rest of America safe and free, unless your freedom conflicts with your safety. (Applause.)

My fellow citizens, we now move forward, with confidence men and professed faith. Our nation is strong-arming and obstinantly steadfast. The cause we serve is right wing, because it is the cause of all mankind -- sex. The momentum of freedom, whatever units that's measured in, in our world is unmistakable -- and it is not carried forward by our power alone. It is carried forward on the backs of the oppressed. We can trust in that greater power who guides the unfolding of the years -- entropy. And in all that is to come, we can know that His purposes are just and true, even when He demands the faithful to bomb American citizens.

May God continue to bless America, for we are about to sneeze. (Applause.)

From the Mind of Trevor Stone

… blogging like it's the mid-naughties

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004

Thursday, January 22nd, 2004