and in my dreams I walk alone
Sunday, December 30th, 2001 11:00 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
flwydI lie in my hammock, not sleeping. Loneliness inside. I need a warm body to wrap myself around. Intertwine limbs. Nuzzle in the neck. But my cat's dead, so it really ought to be a person. She is not with me as She once was. I try to be close, but the ocean is wide and holds many fish. She is excellence, she is wonderful. She was first, so to Her all potentials must stand. And fall. Inevitably so?
I lie in my hammock, feeling disconnected. I feel I need people. Human contact. It didn't used to be that way. I was an encyclopedia, a computer, a philosopher. I could do anything by myself and I did. I didn't go to parties, I didn't understand hanging out. I got together with people, but there was a reason, overt and clear.
22. Half way through senior year of college. Responsible. Working. But in a way, I entered high school last year. I can hang out. I can use the phone. I have a network of friends. Hanging out. Watching movies. I got my driver's license. Working, buying stuff. Feeling emotions. Excitement. Anger. Loneliness. Wanderlust. Exhaust. Joy. Longing.
There's something missing. Someone I can get deep with. Stare deep in the eyes. Take a journey to parts unknown. With utter smiles the whole way. We could swap puns, play games, eat Chinese food, talk philosophy. Hold hands. Hug, snuggle, kiss.
I don't have it in me to divert attention from school to a girl. It's just something I can't do. Especially this semester, when I have pounds of code to write and unstructured time to do it in. I'd feel bad for any girlfriend I had, that I won't giving her the attention she deserves.
And who is there? She is so amazing, how can I expect to find someone even more special. Or even close? And when I do find Her, can I ask her to go out? A generation of feminism got me not to be aggressive toward women. Past generations and todays victims taught me that women are fragile. So lies the fear that an approach would be harassment, that being aggressive would cause damage. But the girls don't ask. They get frustrated that the guys don't ask.
Deeper still lies the fear of rejection, of the resounding no. This fear used to keep me from telephoning businesses to ask simple questions and other silly things. I can use the phone now, but can I call a girl? Without an explicit reason? Maybe I'll learn how in high school.
I lie in my hammock, feeling disconnected. I feel I need people. Human contact. It didn't used to be that way. I was an encyclopedia, a computer, a philosopher. I could do anything by myself and I did. I didn't go to parties, I didn't understand hanging out. I got together with people, but there was a reason, overt and clear.
22. Half way through senior year of college. Responsible. Working. But in a way, I entered high school last year. I can hang out. I can use the phone. I have a network of friends. Hanging out. Watching movies. I got my driver's license. Working, buying stuff. Feeling emotions. Excitement. Anger. Loneliness. Wanderlust. Exhaust. Joy. Longing.
There's something missing. Someone I can get deep with. Stare deep in the eyes. Take a journey to parts unknown. With utter smiles the whole way. We could swap puns, play games, eat Chinese food, talk philosophy. Hold hands. Hug, snuggle, kiss.
I don't have it in me to divert attention from school to a girl. It's just something I can't do. Especially this semester, when I have pounds of code to write and unstructured time to do it in. I'd feel bad for any girlfriend I had, that I won't giving her the attention she deserves.
And who is there? She is so amazing, how can I expect to find someone even more special. Or even close? And when I do find Her, can I ask her to go out? A generation of feminism got me not to be aggressive toward women. Past generations and todays victims taught me that women are fragile. So lies the fear that an approach would be harassment, that being aggressive would cause damage. But the girls don't ask. They get frustrated that the guys don't ask.
Deeper still lies the fear of rejection, of the resounding no. This fear used to keep me from telephoning businesses to ask simple questions and other silly things. I can use the phone now, but can I call a girl? Without an explicit reason? Maybe I'll learn how in high school.
