Flying the Restricted Skies

tamheals and I are flying to Florida tomorrow (New Year's Eve) for a week for her sister's wedding. I figured some research at the Transportation Security Administration's web page. Tamara was relieved to learn that she could bring her crochet needles, but I can't bring a screwdriver. Is this sexism, or are they worried that I might unscrew my seat and hit someone over the head with it? Or does a #2 Phillips disable the protective cockpit door?

But the real winner is on the holidy travel tips page, I was informed:

Do not pack heavy food items in your checked luggage. Foods such as fruitcake may cause the airport screening machines to alarm, thus slowing down the security process.

We've spent millions of dollars on machines that can't distinguish between fruitcake and explosives. Of course, given some fruitcake, I can see how that might be a challenge. Perhaps we could make a distributed effort, a la Hot or Not and Arse or Elbow.

Further down, we learn

Sweaters and sweatshirts may remain on unless they contain a significant amount of metal or their size and bulk could potentially be used to conceal dangerous articles.

I don't think I've ever seen a sweater with a "significant amount" of metal. I've also seen very few sweaters that cannot be used to conceal dangerous articles. Especially if you consider large breasts under tight sweaters as "dangerous."

Finally, and most seriously,

Jokes or statements regarding bombs and/or threats during the screening process are taken very seriously. They may be grounds for both civil and criminal penalties, and could cause you to miss your flight.

One of my fundamental axioms is "If you aren't able to joke about something, you aren't ready to take it seriously." Anyone trying to smuggle a bomb on a plane would not joke about it, for fear of raising suspicion. Banning humor from airports makes massive hubs of human interaction into lifeless passages punctuated by regularly sanitized white courtesy telephones.